"BROOM STICKS"


--Yankees finished off the Red Sox today 5-0 en route to a three game sweep. Still, Yanks are five games back with just a month to go. With another three game series coming up in a few weeks I don't think it's unreasonable to believe that the Yankees can win the division. The Sox have been by far the best team in the league all season and as a biased baseball fan I believe their time is up. I know Shane is going to hate this comment, but Joba has definitely pumped some life and energy into this ball club. It's very exciting to see such a young pitcher dominate thus far like he has. I mean with modern medicine and his high income I don't see why he will ever let up a run in the big leagues.

But with upcoming series' with the Royals and the Devil Rays the Yankees can go on a big run. Hopefully, especially with Manny out for a little while, the Sox will slide far enough to make them catchable by the next mini series. In all likely hood the Sox will win the division with the Yankees taking the wild card. Something most Yankees fans won't be to happy about, but they'll be content on making the playoffs and seeing what happens from there. Yankee fans like Josh and I are desperately hoping that the Yankees go on a historic run and the Sox fall into a monumental collapse. God knows that I don't want to be that guy in the jorts the day the season is over.

On the other side of the coin, who wouldn't want to see Tom L in some denim shorts. I mean he's never even worn jeans let alone a pair thats high enough for some pasty white thigh action. With the frays and the pockets coming out of the bottom I believe that the jorts could really work for you Tom. And I say that last statement with the same level of intelligence that Euge uses when he writes about baseball. Hawr

--With the summer dwindling Matty D isn't that depressed about school lurking in the future. I don't have that many classes, and only one class (physics) on a daily basis. I have lots of dickin' around time and even another class with Mr. Edwards. The end of an era. Amongst all my classes, media studies is the one I am looking forward to the most. I heard tales of its greatness from last years group, and that wasn't even with Mr. Edwards at the helm.

On top of that, Mr. Schmidt is a really cool guy and I feel fortunate to have him as our principal. He has already discussed ideas of a senior trip, brining back class competition, and possibly a January ski trip. All of which are pretty exciting events compared to years past when we have had dick to look forward to. The once (literally once) celebrated powder puff game is very secondary and possibly a scapegoat if we can't pull of class competition. God knows nobody wants to see some girls toss around the ol' pigskin while playing at the same speed that rivals a shitty mighty might game.

--With the shadow of the NFL season slowly creeping upon us, I think it's time for a season preview. Possibly some power rankings or maybe my season predictions. Not sure yet, but expect a big NFL update in the coming weeks.

--Madden 08 for XboX 360 is the best Madden installment ever. Really, the franchise mode, superstar mode, the mini games, and most of all, the gameplay. It's so smooth and realistic that it finally brings back the fun to the franchise that has sold more video games worldwide than any other. On top of all that, I am sure online play is just as amazing. I am yet to try it, but would love to go at it with some twenty-eight year old loser who calls time outs to jerk it to his doggie porn.

--Summerslam was by far the biggest disapointment of the summer. Finlay Kane was the best match of the night. Triple H delivered some excitement, but everybody knew he was going to win anyway. The Bastista-Khali match was the one I was probably most looking forward to and it was beyond horrendously bad. But above all, that rat fucking bastard John Cena managed once again to walk away with the title. I suppose I am putting to much stock into wrestling, because I should just accept the fact that the Mustang Drivin', cock takin', seamen eatin', douchenozzle is going to have the title for awhile. God I hope Triple H kills him next month. Not just beat him, but actually kills him. Maybe he'll fuck up a Pedigree and put him out for some time or something. I don't care how it's done, but we need a new champion.

This is one of the many reasons why I hate John Cena....



watta douche


--Tom L ............. RulezZZ

A Day In the Life of JP Losman


This is a simulation of a day for Jonathon Paul Losman. For fun, we'll fast forward a few weeks to the season opener....


8:49 am- Wakes up in his king sized water bed completely naked aside from a pair of rainbow socks
8:55 am- Smokes a bowl
9:02 am- Goes to his neighbors house and has sex with his eighteen year old daughter, very loudly
9:14 am- Smokes a bong
9:18 am- Puts on Sunday NFL countdown and watches (still high) all the analysts pick Buffalo to lose their season opener
9:22 am- All the guys on CBS countdown predict the same thing
9:29 am- Of all the pregame shows, only Terry Bradshaw predicts the Bills to upset the Broncos
9:39 am- Starts his trip to the Ralph with a stop to his dealer along the way
10:02 am- After smoking a twenty bag (by himself) and downing three sausage MacMuffins, he arrives at the Ralph
10:23 am- Man at locker room door yelling at J-to-the-P about being an hour late. Because Losman is so stoned he doesn't even realize this little man is Dick Jauron
10:34 am- Asks Lee Evans if he wants to smoke. Evans is stunned. Gametime in less than three hours.
10:41 am- Takes a pregame shower (only guy in there) to show off his sub-par sized, but well tamed package
10:53 am- Tells Moorman and Lindell he has a secret to tell them. As they approach, JP smashes their heads together and spits at them as they fall to the floor.
11:04 am- Chest bumps Marshawn Lynch
11:13 am- Leaves locker room to toke up for fourth time today
11:25 am- Craig Knoll sees Losman smoking. JP announces, "You wanna start bro?" Knoll begins to smile, and then JP says, "Then start smoking..." and he throws his burnt joint at Knoll's face. Craiggy goes to tears. Losman is happy for first time today.
11:38 am- Losman enters woman's room in stadium to take a shit because the ladies' rooms are cleaner
11:51 am- Despite the fact that JP is supposed to be at a meeting, he finds himself entering the Jills' locker room and ends up having a three some with two ebony chicks and a hot blonde
12:32 pm- Losman finally returns to locker room and gives Jauron the finger as he starts to yell at him.
12:53 pm- Arrives on field with seven minutes until kick-off. Didn't watch film, or even warm-up.
12:57 pm- Walks onto the middle of the field for coin toss. Sticks his hands down his pants, and then shakes everybody's hands
12:58 pm- Bills win the toss but to everybody's surprise JP interupted Donte Whitner and announced they didn't want the ball. Without saying another word or shaking anyone elses hands, JP trots to the bench and grabs some gatorade.
1:07 pm- Jay Cutler completes a twenty-five yard pass to Javon Walker who runs out of bounds near JP. Losman yells "Hey Walker. Nice Calves." Walker is stunned.
1:14 pm- Broncos drive ends in field goal. Losman is still far from ready to play.
1:23 pm- McGee returns kick to the thirty-one. Losman walks lazily onto the field with both hands elbow deep in his jock
1:24 PM- Audibles first play to a run so he doesn't have to throw. Lynch is stopped in the backfield for a big loss.
1:27 pm- Completes first pass on third and 13 to Lee Evans over the middle. Losman drops to knees and starts to point to the sky in triumph.
1:28 pm- Losman feeling great from the first down last play is feeling lucky. He thinks Evans is is running a go route. Evans is running a curl route. Losman hurls the ball into no-mans land and Nick "Papa" Ferguson easily picks it off.
1:29 pm- Losman pulls his grundle at Jauron who looks at his young quarterback in disbelief.
1:37 pm- Broncos end drive with sixteen yard touchdown pass to Rod Smith. Anthony Thomas tells Losman that Cutler is way better than him. Losman responds with "I still make thirty more million than you do, so hop off my shit." Then when the A-Train isn't looking, JP flips him the bird
1:46 pm- The Bills are driving because Marshawn Lynch has 48 yards on 6 carries this drive (which has been all runs). Losman then audibles to a pass play and gets sacked for a loss of seven.
1:52 pm- With the Bills in the red zone and threatening to score Losman throws a terrible pass that is easily intercepted by Dre Bly who takes it 89 yards the other way for 6. Even JP thinks he should've warmed up before this game.
3:30 pm- The Broncos are up 31-3 with minutes remaining in the fourth. JP's numbers are 11-25, 86 yards, and 3 int (two of which for touchdowns).
3:38 pm- JP completes a pass to Peerless Price for 14 yards. Ecstatic that he has surpassed the century mark, JP again falls to his knees and points to the heavens.
3:46 pm- Losman throws a touchdown pass (screen pass to Lynch who made a lot of nifty moves on his way to the end zone). JP walks over to the Broncos sideline and yells "CUTLER!!! SUCK MY BALLS!!!'
3:51 pm- Broncos kneel down and the final score is 31-10. JP doesn't care as he believes he is one step closer to breaking touchdown records.
4:32 pm- Locker room is in a somber mood except for Losman, who makes fun of Moorman for wearing a bathing suit in the shower
4:51 pm- Reporters swamp Losman's locker who decides to answer questions in the nude.
4:55 pm- During questions, he slips a female reporter a note that simply says "Wanna?"
5:03 pm- Reporter asks if there was miscommunication between Evans and him in that first quarter interception. Losman doesn't answer, merely starts to masturbate in front of everybody.
5:04 pm- All reporters leave after which would later be called "The JP Scence."
5:09 pm- Calls Donte Whitner and Ko Simpson "fags."
5:22 pm- Tea bags Anthony Thomas who is getting taped up at the trainer
5:45 pm- Losman drives his Mazda Miata back to his house while smoking "A fat ass L"
6:03 pm- Takes a shower in which he shaves his pubes into a number seven
6:29 pm- Tunes into the Bears-Chargers game as LT takes it 47 yards to the house. Losman fist pumps as his first round fantasy pick is paying off. (Losman made fun of his buddy who drafted him)
6:49 pm- Orders a pizza, and also tells pizza place to pick up a thirty of Blue Light and a bottle of Morgan. He says he will pay handsomely
7:27 pm- Pizza man arrives with all of "the goods." Losman opens door and take "the goods." Pizza man asks for money and J-to-the-P laughs and says "Do you know who I am?" Then he shuts the door still laughing at the man.
7:31 pm- Drinks a beer and eats a slice of pizza before saving it for leftovers.
7:39 pm- Smokes another bowl, and passes out.
8:26 pm- Wakes up. Kills it.
8:49 pm- The Los-Man is ready to go out. He brings his bottle of Morgan to the car and steadily begins to drink it as he drives.
9:15 pm- Losman picks up a hooker and gives it to her on main street in front of everybody watching (without protection).
9:21 pm- Gives hooker the donkey punch and takes his money back.
10:49 pm- After driving and drinking for almost an hour and a half Losman decides to go clubbin'.
10:57 pm- Reaches into glove compartment and grabs his "clubbin' shirt"
11:15 pm- Club bouncer originally doesn't let The Losinator in until a fellow bouncer lets him know that he's the Bills starting quarterback. (This actually happened in real life....)
11:31 pm- Has used the pick up line "Do you know who I am?" seventeen times and is yet to recieve a positive response
11:49 pm- Sits at the bar and finishes Tequilla shots number twelve and thirteen.
11:56 pm- Passes out...
7:49 am- Wakes up next to three hundred pound Mexican Mamacita. Looks at her in disgust then decides she could start at left guard for Buffalo.
7:55 am- Smokes a bowl and then decides he is going to skip practice for the day.

"BLASTOISE!!!!!"


This is easily the funniest thing I have ever seen. Dan showed me this and it's my favorite thirty seconds in world history. Dan was going to put this in his blog but I really wanted to make sure everybody saw this clip. Enjoy.....

"Tim, you paid 5 dollars for that slice?"
"CRAP!!!"


--Earlier this week A-Rod hit his 500th homerun as the Yanks routed the Shitty Shitty bang bang Royals 16-8. A-Rod is the fastest player to ever reach the mark, but as Jayson Stark notes on ESPN.com, he still has a long way to go. I hope when it's all said and done that he is the all-time homerun king. a) He is a Yankee. b) I don't think he has ever used performance enhancing drugs. One of those two factors, or both of which, are going to contribute to a lot of baseball fans pulling for A-Rod to break soon-to-be Bond's home-run record. As for this season, the Yankees are picking it up at the right time and Manny's positive steroid test should be coming in any day now. Phillip Hughes looked phenom like early on but got hit around in the later innings. He is deffinately the real dealio, and should be a Yankee starter for a long time comin'.

--The Xbox fund is going well. I do think it'll take a little longer to save than I originally planned because I like to love a luxurious lifestyle and that costs madd dollazZz. I hope to have a 360 by the time school starts. No fall sport this year is going to give me a lot of free time (Gears of WaR).

--I think there are a few colleges I am going to visit this fall. Syracuse, Caz, and Boston College. Yeah, the latter seems a little bit more difficult to do but I'm going to try to make it happen because they sent me their program thing in the mail today and it looks pretty amazing. Probably a lot of dbaggin Sox fans though.

--I think I am going to pass on Madden this year because the Xbox box (I have all my Xbox funds in a Tupperware container on top of my television) can't have any funds dipped out of it. Lookin' at you Shane. I know you're low on dough and looking for a handout. My box ain't the answer boy.

--Wickey wickaa waaaa Wickaa waa wicha whickey waaaa

--I can't wait for a)turkey shoot b)snowboarding. Shane and I were talking about snowboarding a few days ago and it got me really jacked up and I forgot how fun it was. Also adding to the excitement is that newly appointed principal Mr. Schmidt loves to ski and he says he is interested in taking a group of seniors up to Vermont over Martin Luther King Jr weekend to ski/snowboard. That would be awwweeeeeesssssooooommmmmeeeeeee.

--I think the senior shirts this year should be the same as last year's "peace out high school."


.... say that last statement with absolutely no seriousness.