The REAL List.



On the third day in the six month of 2007 our friend Eugene created a list. A top ten guitarists list. This list received heavy criticism from our friends and was widely considered a steamy pile of shit. While his list was very well detailed it failed to mention a few of the big names in the big game of guitaring. I am putting the argument to rest right now with the best 10 guitarists the world has even seen.

10) Angus Young (ACDC)


9) Eric Clapton


8) Kurt Cobain (Nirvana)


7) Jimmy Page (Led Zepplin)


6) Keith Richards (Rolling Stones)


5) Tom Morello (Rage Against the Machine)


4) Kirk Hammet (Metallica)


3) Slash (Guns 'N' Roses & Velvet Revolver)


2) Jimi Hendrix


1) Mr. Cummings




Finally the mater debating will end..

"'Bout To Get STUCK!!!"


--I'll jump right into it, last night was the best boxing match I have ever seen. Mayweather vs Hatton didn't only live up to the hype, but exceeded it. There was rarely a dull spot during the fight and it didn't even go to decision as Mayweather knocked him out in the 10th. This was the best fight I have ever seen for several reasons. A) Wayne Newton. B) Mayweather came out to the Boss' "Born in the USA." C) Not only did he come out to that, but with Mark Cuban and Wayne Newton carrying his belts. D) WAYNE FUCKING NEWTON!! E) The English fans spontaneously breaking out into song. F) Sir Charles Barkely. G) 10th Round TKO H) Hatton taunting Mayweather mid-round. I) Last but not least, the opposite reaction from the girls sitting ringside as Hatton hit the mat for the second time. The one on the left was going crazy as the one on the right began to cry. Hilarious. I don't know dick about boxing, but Mayweather is probably the best I have ever seen. He's not as dominant as Tyson was, or as consistent as Lennox Lewis, but he is so good at what he does. Lots of people don't like watching him because he's such a defensive fighter, but if you were that fast you would be too. He's so good he doesn't even need to put his hands up to block punches because he just knows nobody's fast enough to hit him. I hope he keeps fighting because he really is spectacular.


--Tebow took it home! Thank god. If the voters found a way to not give it would have been absurd. He was head and shoulders above everyone else this season despite him playing in the SEC. Speaking of which, which is better? The AFC West or the SEC? Pretty close right? Anyways, Tebow became the first sophomore to ever win the Heisman and is the front-runner going into next season. The only question is who is going to be able to take it away from him? You know his numbers are going to be outstanding again with that high powered offense and all of its returning stars. If he stays healthy he will probably put up as good as numbers next year as he did this year, maybe better as he evolves into a more passing oriented quarterback. Regardless, let's say he goes for 30 TD in the air and only 15 on the ground. Pretty reasonable numbers. Who in the country is going to be able to top that? And above that, Florida is going to be one of the best teams in the country next season and one of Tebow's biggest problems this year was that he played for a three loss team and that shouldn't be a worry next season. Can we give it to him now?


--Florida over Michigan by thirty on New Years


--If the Red Sox get Santana...That will really suck





--Did I mention Wayne Fucking Newton?

Mad Jelly


Has anything even been so amazing whilst also being ridiculously pathetic?

Sometimes You Just Gotta Ride the Bull...


--This has been a fairly busy month for me. Clearly as I have not blogged in almost a month. While that probably makes people assume I have been doing productive things whilst not blogging, you're very right. Well, that is if you consider going to school every now and then, playing lacrosse once or twice a week, the occasional shift the ol' coffee shop, playing XboX (either Gears of Apollo's Creed), Watching Tebow, Watching Cutler, Watching Losman (arguably the most fun out of the three to watch....NOOO!!!), managing a fantasy football team (3-8) or rolling the dice as a productive thing. Otherwise you could argue that I have just been really lazy and not doing much of anything unless I am forced to do it. It's up for interpretation.


--At this point in the season I think it is clearly Tebow's heisman to lose. I'll be honest, even with his video game like numbers he couldn't have edged out Dixon with the Gators floundering with three losses. Dixon's numbers were unbelievable and he had an overachieving Oregon team looking at a national championship. Naturally, the heisman front-runner tears his ACL and they lose their second game of the season. With Matt Ryan and Boston College struggling, Dixon's knee injury, McFadden's sub par numbers, and Brennan's weak schedule it has to be Tebow. ESPN the magazine claims it should be Glenn Dorsey out of LSU. His numbers aren't that great because he's a defensive tackle, and maybe he is the most dominant defensive player in the country, but he is receiving no hype and will probably not be invited to New York for the ceremony. With one game left, and maybe the chance to play LSU in the conference final, I think Tebow has all but won the heisman and deservedly so. For his first year as a starter he played nothing short of tremendous in the extremely tough SEC.

The second thought is...if, excuse me, when he wins the heisman he will automatically be the front-runner for next season. And with the heisman-front runner and a team that has basically it's entire team returning the Gators would have to be preseason #1. Given they will again have to go through the SEC which seems impossible to go undefeated through, but they will definitely be one of the nation's top teams once again.

Let's say Tebow wins the heisman. Again everything in this paragraph is hypothetical so stick with me. Then let's say in his junior season he wins another heisman and another national championship. That means in three years he would've won two national championships and two heismans. At that point he would have to be the top player coming out of the draft, but does he stay in college for his senior year? With a chance for another national title and another heisman. Would he turn down the opportunity to play in the pros to try to become the best college football player of all-time? Would that mean more to him than a few million dollars in signing bonus? Obviously him winning the heisman and a national championship next year is a pretty ridiculous statement at this point, but nobody could argue the potential of it happening.

Last thing on Tebow. If he decides to stay for his senior season. Again this is assuming he wins the heisman and doesn't suffer any injuries, would a team draft the rights to him? The Celtics did it with Larry Bird and it definitely worked out for them. It would have to be talked about right? Probably not for the first few rounds, but what if somebody like 49ers or even Buffalo takes a shot at him? What do they have to lose? I am announcing right now that if Buffalo acquires Tim Tebow I will jump ship. This is assuming of course than the Broncos don't win a Super Bowl in the next two years because then I will just have to be a Tebow fan and a Broncos fan.


--The Yankees have a had a pretty awesome off-season thus far. All the worries are worries no more as we have re-acquired A-Rod, Posada, and Mo. We're still trying to convince Pettite, as he would really help out our rotation. But with our entire line-up back and a solid rotation consisting of a few young gunnas, we will contend with Boston for the AL East title. The big question mark is our bullpen. Vizcaino is going to come back I think, and there is also Jar Jar Binks. Basically I just never want to see Bruney ever pitch again. Watching him pitch is like watching Losman scramble around. It's depressing. When he enters the game I duck my head and say, "Well, there's always tomorrow." No fucking tomorrow for Brian Bruney!


--Our lacrosse team is off to an extremely slow start. With three losses at turkey shoot (each loss by only one goal), and two pretty bad games in indoor we definitely look out of sync. At the same time though we are showing a lot of upside especially from some of the young guys. Riley Austin scored three just last night and Trevor has shown off the wheels on several occasions. It seems like Sisson is getting back into the groove of face-offs. Eugene is passing very well. We don't play all at the same time often but when we do our attack looks good as does our defense. Shane has been a scoring machine lately and obviously so has Mahler who is probably our best all-around player. JDubb looks like he hasn't lost a step. I am still interested to see Keesh who I believe is going to help us out a lot this year. The general improvement we have from last year is experience and overall team speed. Two things we just didn't have last year. We're 2-0 going into Churchville on Monday. Should be a good one.


--Just two weeks ago I was pretty confident the Broncos season was over. We lost three straight games, including two home losses, and two really bad losses to the Lions and the Chargers. Hot Rod Smith and John Lynch called a players meeting after than and since then we have looked like the Broncos looked like on paper (Madden) before the season. We went into Arrowhead and won for the first time sine 1999, and won last week over a well-coached and very competitive Titans team. At 5-5 we are tied for the lead in the AFC west and have only one legit team left on the schedule. The Christmas Eve Monday Night game between the Chargers and Broncos will ultimately decide the division. God knows only one team from that division is going to the playoffs. Also, Javon Walker and Travis Henry are expected to return this week. I have always kinda believed that Cutler would be good someday, but he is maturing much faster than I thought he would and he is limiting his mistakes. He has a huge arm and enough mobility to escape a pass rush. Needless to say, I much happier that I have Cutler and not Losman. A part of me does want Cutler to drop to his knees and point to the heavens on every completion though.


--Upon looking at their schedule I was pretty confident the Bills would start 0-8. They have overachieved to the extreme and are in the middle of a wild card chase. Yeah they ended their win streak with 56-10 loss to the Pats Sunday, but it's cool. Nobody saw it anyways because Survivor Series was on. Above all else I would say it was the Patriots being great more than Buffalo being bad. Even still they were at a huge disadvantage with Lynch being out and big JP taking the snaps. Speaking of which, I think I have figured Dick Jauron out. He is going to Play JLoS$sZ until he gets even slightly hurt again. Then when Tredwards is playing, he is going to start until he misses one more play because of injury. He doesn't actually decide who's going to play based on performance, but just who did it last for Buffalo. BTW I came to the realization as to why I don't like Losman. When went to college he decided not to be called John Losman because he thought he was to cool for it so he adopted JP Losman. Now he has a name synonymous with being a loser who is always stoned to the bone. Nice job asshole.


--The once downtrodden Purple Cobras are surging for the playoffs...kinda. While I am not mathematically out of it yet, one more loss will do it for me. I have been riding God's team in the last few weeks and for the most part Kitna has done fairly well. Stephen Jackson is finally putting up respectable numbers and with it the Cobras are enjoying their first winning streak of the season. With the Eugers this week we have a chance to move up to 4-8 which is a number people would have laughed at a few weeks ago as I failed to start a number of players as I mailed in this season after the 100 point loss to the Little Giants. It's fairly obvious that The Stud's Muffin's and the Wolf Pac are the class of league. Especially now that the Muffins got Andre Johnson back in their lineup. McLovin' has been coming on strong by stringing a few wins together, but Tom Brady alone cannot carry this squad any further than third place. The real battle is for the fourth and final playoff spot. The Rabid Wolverines were poised for it, but with an unacceptable loss to the Cobras this late in the season they are definitely showing signs of vulnerability. Still, the Hell's Satan's had a chance to capitalize, but they to were upset by the Cobras. It seems unlikely, but the Little Giants have potential to capture that spot. Either The Eugers or the Cobras will be the first team eliminated this week. Stay tuned....




--The Double Melt is back
It's the most wonderful time of the year...




--NIBB HIGH FOOTBALL RULEZzZ!!!
HAPPY.......RULEZ!!!

Tom
L
RulezZZz!!

"MY ANKLES!"


Am I a bad person because I think this is funny?

Fuck 'Em.



This blog entry is devoted to the shitheads in New England. Seriously, has there ever been one area in the country that has dominated so throughly in ever single sport? It absolutely sucks on all cylinders. No city has been this outstanding since 2004 when Boston won the super bowl, the world series and both college basketball championships. I think this year is even worse though (worse if you're not a fan of these teams)


*Note I wrote this before the Virgina Tech-Boston College game*

Let's kick this shit off with the grandaddy of them all. The New England fucking Patriots are unbe-fuckin-lievable. No NFL team has ever started as hot as they have this season. They have been so far ahead of everyone else in the league that fans have given up on rooting for their favorite teams and started rooting for their fantasy teams first and foremost. As if winning three super bowls in four years wasn't enough. Selfish New Englanders. They were so appalled with loss in the conference finals last year that they had to go out and improve so much that nobody else would even have a chance. Signing Adalius Thomas away from the Ravens and then acquring Randy Moss, and Wes Welker for some shitty draft picks was just unfair. Goodell should have stepped in and just said, "You guys just signed Donte Stallworth. You can't have both of these guys. I'll suspend them anyways. Pick one either Moss or Welker."

Well they ended up with them both and as predicited they have been unstoppable. Brady is well on pace for 50 touchdowns this season and after that he will have absolutely everything over Manning. More super bowls, touchdown record, more super models impregnated, you name it. The worst thing of all is the whole spy gate scandal. As if every other team in the NFL wasn't doing it anyways. But fucking Mangini sticks it to 'em hard and as a result.... The Patriots are fined $750,000, Billichiek gets an extension (signed in that same week), and lastly now they are so pissed about everyone calling them cheaters they go and just blow out everyone they play. They were up by like seventeen and the back up quarterback threw an interception. So they send out Brady again and he goes on to throw his sixth touchdown of the game.

Their closest game all year came when they were in the dog pound... They won by 17! That was their closest game! Every week the question isn't if they are going to win, but if they will win by more than thirty. I think the NFL is better off awarding them the Lombardi trophy now and then they can just cancel them out for the rest of the season. Otherwise, real fans have nothing to cheer for.

Also, after years of being the silent golden boy who everyone was supposed to emulate, Tom Brady has spoken out. Not only did he spend his offseason time knocking up girls to hot for me to jerk to, but he's not afraid to tell it how it is in his post game interviews. In an interview after the Jets blowout (notice how when somebody mentions a Patriots game they say blowout because game or competition just wouldn't be an accurate statement) he was laughing at the Jets fans chanting clearly in the background "You suck Brady!" He couldn't keep back a smile as he said "Yeah I'm really terrible... The score was 38-14 so I can understand why they're mad." After their week 2 dismantling of the Super Chargers (same week as spygate scandal) he said, "Who wouldn't hate us? We've been the best team in the league for almost six years now."

Robert Kraft (who looks ridiculously like Bill Shatner) had no problem at all giving Bilichiek the big extension after the scandal. But who wouldn't? He's one of the best coaches of all time, and one could argue his best days are still ahead of him. So now we get to watch the invulnerable Patriots cruise to their 19-0 record as everbody outside the New England area hopes for an injury to Brady's throwing shoulder. Fuck 'em!



Boston College. Almost like Syracuse, but better, Boston college is competitive in a number of different sports, but they should never be in the top five of anything football related. They have reached their highest rankings since 1947 as everyone else in the country has really sucked. I don't believe they will be there by season's end, but hey....They are from Bawston so they will probably win the championship. Fuck 'em!


Red Sox. The Sox are well on their way to their second title in three years. Much like the dream team from 2004, this squad will probably sweep the much weaker Rockies. The Sox are just way too powerful for their NL counterpart. I'm rooting for the Rockies but that's probably not going to work because things that I root for don't usually happen (so I'm going to try to reverse it....I don't want Mattingly to be named manager, and I am openly rooting for Mike Hart to win the heisman). Lord knows I can't wait to see the next river dance from Sox closer and part-time gay porn actor J-pApZzZ. Shithead. The worst part of all is all the shit I get to hear from 60% of my readers (that includes Nathan for some reason despite the fact he hasn't openly admitted that he likes the Red Sox). It's going to be a long winter...
Fuck 'em!


You'd think that would be it didn't you? As if baseball, college and professional football wasn't enough... they had to go out and get Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen to make the Celtics the team to beat in the east. You don't even hear about it in the media because that area is so Patriots/Sox crazy right now, but they had one of the best off-seasons in recent basketball history. They got two dynamic players from the western conference. This is like bumping down from varsity to JV, or from playing video games to cheerleading. Either or, it's a significant drop-off. I hate the Boston area, and with good reason too. Fuck' em!


Don't sleep on the Bruins either!


Fuck 'Em all!

"MASH MASH MASH!!"

In the spirit of Halloween.....

Topsy Turvy!!


The NFL has been whacky this far. With the Packers leading the NFC North, the Saints sliding at 0-4, and the Chargers floundering with a 2-3 record I just don't know what to believe. A few things are obvious though... The Patriots are amazing, Antonio Gates is amazing, and Norv Turner is an awful coach. I'll try to do a power rankings, but as of next Tuesday it will probably look just as bad as my pre-season picks.


1) New England Patriots
Although there is three undefeated teams left, the Pats are obviously the class of the NFL through five weeks. Brady is the best quarterback so far, and Moss is the best receiver so far. Their biggest scare came this Sunday when they (OH NO!) didn't win by 20. They only managed to beat the Browns by 17. Must be nice dude.

2) Indianapolis Colts
As clear as the Patriots are number one, the Colts are number two. They haven't been as dominant as their AFC east counterpart, but equally efficient as they too have cruised to a 5-0 record. Good thing Manning got the monkey off his back last year, because I don't see the Colts getting the best of Brady and Billichieck this season.

3) Pittsburgh Steelers
Obviously a big percentage of my readers (John) will be disappointed to see the Cowboys on the outside looking in on the top three, but I think the Steelers are a much better ball club. A huge plus goes to Steel town as Mike Tomlin is already arguably the greatest coach in NFL history. If anyone beats the Patriots in the playoffs I think it will be this team, not the boys from Indy.

4) Dallas Cowboys
Despite the fact that they're 5-0 I drop them below the Steelers after they stole a win from the Billys on Monday. Romo played like absolute balls against the most under-manned defense in the league. I don't think the Boys from Big D will be undefeated after this week, but they are still the class of the NFC...if that means anything

5) Jacksonville Jaguars
This is where there is a huge drop-off in the NFL. After the big four there are several teams fighting for this last top-five spot. Lohmy wants the Pack-attack but if they squared off today I think the Jaguars would prevail because they have more J's in their name.

6) Green Bay Packers
Favre is playing the fourth best quarterback of all-time..and that's where he's going to stay if he continues throwing mad picks like he did against Chicago on Sunday. He's having a great season and I hope it doesn't turn around to the onne he had two years ago (although I kind of do hope he has that type of season. Who didn't like an old Favre scrambling outside of the pocket then airing it out sixty-eight yards to a safety waiting for it like he's returning a punt).

7) Tennessee Titans
Madden Curse? Nope! or not yet at least. Although Vince Young has had anything but a productive statistical season he has led his ball club to a 3-1 start. Let's hope he's the one to break the curse, god knows another former madden cover boy (and african-american quarterback) has had enough cursage this year for everyone else. Lendale White is a big boy.

8)Baltimore Ravens
The Ravnes are 3-2 and look much like everybody anticipated they would. Willis is grinding out his 2.9 yards a carry as Air McNair is doing just enough to get by. Ed Reed is also quickly turning into one of the league's premier return men. Daaa U!!

9) Washington Redskins
Speaking of Daaa U!! Sean Taylor, Clinton Ports, and Santana Moss have led the Skins to their first 3-1 start since 1999 (I made that stat up but am pretty positive that nobody would stop to read the Redskins blurb in this pretty sizeable post) This last note actually makes me ponder why I waste my time writing all this shit. Let's see if anyone can find how much effort I really didn't put into this because it will look long, but for most of the teams from here on out I won't write anything significant.

10) Seattle Seahawks
I think it is obvious that Shaun Alexander is doing just fine and there has been no Madden re-curse for him like other superstars McNabb, Faulk, Caulpepper, George, and Vick. That's enough for the Seahawks, because honestly nobody will see this.

11) San Diego Chargers
It kills me to see it because Norv Turner doesn't deserve to win. I suppose there might just be too much talent on this team that he can't blow every game. But you can blow me because I know that nobody's reading this blurb as well. I hope Don Mattingly is named new manager for the Yanks.

12) Tampa Bay Bucaneers
If the Bucs are going to be playoff contenders in the second half, they must find a solution (re: trade) to their RB injury woes. Names being mentioned by the Tampa Bay media: Vikings' Mewelde Moore, Chargers' Michael Turner, Broncos' Mike Bell. I just copied the ESPN power rankings word for word and am pretty confident nobody will notice.

I'm getting bored, here are the rest of the rankings...

13) Houston Texans
14) New York Giants
15) Arizona Cardinals
16) Buffalo Bills
17) Chicago Bears
18) Carolina Panthers
19) Detroit Lions
20) Denver Broncos
21) San Francisco 49ers
22) Oakland Raiders
23) Kansas City Chiefs
24) Cincinnati Bengals
25) Cleveland Browns
26) Philadelphia Eagles
27) New York Jets
28) Minnesota Vikings
29) New Orleans Saints
30) Atlanta Falcons
31) St. Louis Rams
32) Miami Dolphins



Tom
L
Rulez

Fantasy Picks!!

Fucking Carson and His Bye Week!!!

This fantasy week has some great matchups like McLovin' facing off against the Wolf Pac, and that's pretty much it.



Eugers over Purpe Cobras
I get it, this has been the worst two week stretch for a sports fan. Kick an ol' mule while she's down. Because I have nothing left in the tank to even try to root for my fantasy team (I have to muster up enough excitement as our 31st ranked run defense squares off agaisnt LT....Yeah oon fuccked yeah). I have accepted it. Henry's facing a year's suspension, and the underachieving Stephen Jackson is still hurt, I got nothin'.



Hell's Satans over Little Giants
Shane is projected to win 98-41. Although I think it will prove to be a little closer than 57 points, I don't think the Little Giants have a chance. We're at that point in the season where Lohmes needs Spike Hammersmith to join his squad and start dominating, then he trades him because of bad team chemisrty to Nathan who'll accept anyone despite morale troubles. Then after they find that they are meeting in the Super Bowl the Little Giants will play inspired football and slay the mighty Wolf Pac! Spike don't play with girls!!



Stud'sMuffins over Rabid Wolverines
I'm still bitter about last week......



Wolf Pac over McLovin'
Although Mclovin' is projected 106-95 I just don't see it happening. I obviously have no way at all to judge who's going to win, but my gut feeling says that McLovin' will fall and our league's top three will all be settled at the 5-1 mark. This should be one of the most exciting fantasy contests in recent history.

I've Hit Rock Bottom and I've Hit the Sharpest Rock


--It was a rough weekend as a sports fan for me. Yankees lost the division which means I will be sporting a pair of jorts this Thursday. This will be undoubtedly one of the most embarrassing days of my life and I am not looking forward to it at all. On eighties day we looked like complete jackasses, but it was with more people on a designated day. It's not like this coming Thursday is jort's day. Outside of like eight people, nobody at Eastridge will see it coming and I will be catching a lot of laughs and stares throughout the day. My only hope is that the Yankees go on to win the World Series, because then and only then will the jorts be worth it.

Speaking of which I am extremely confident going into the post season. We completely owned the Indians this year and amongst all of the division winners they are definitely who we stack up with the best (above all else, the Angels own us, and the Sox were probably the best team this season). It should be an exciting month of ahheehhh beeeiissssbboooollll


--Continuing on about my rough weekend, the Florida Gators fell. Two years in a row the Fuckin' Auburn squad has defeated the Gators, and both times it was a close game. Although LSU has a lot of momentum and a lot of talent I am not worried. Well, I should say I am not that worried. Clearly USC and LSU are the two best teams in the country, but an upset this week will set up an SEC championship match that could ultimately decide who goes to the national championship game. While my head tells me that LSU is going to stomp the Gators my heart says Tebow will carry us to the promise land. In Tebow we trust.

--Moving on, my fantasy team also lost this week. Not only did I lose, but I lost to John. I thought he mailed it in and was just going to give up the twenty dollars. Then he feels the need to go out and outscore the entire league the week I play them. That's just not fair. I find myself at a disappointing 1-3 thus far, but there's a lot of (fantasy) football left to play. I have lost a lot of close contests and Stephen Jackson should be coming back soon. Don't sleep on the Cobras. Although Nathan, Sulli, and Josh are amongst the league's best as of now, I don't think anybody's team is substantially better than anyone elses. Anything can happen, hell...even Euge can win

--Watch out for Carson

--When the Broncos fell to the hands of the Colts yesterday it was the first time in a long time that I realized the Broncos aren't that good. On paper (translates to "in Madden") they're amazing. But in real life we can't stop the run to save our lives. It is disgustinly apparent how badly we miss former middle linebacker Al Wilson who used to shut down the run. DJ Williams is as good as they come, but when he switched to the MLB he has become much less significant in the cover schemes and gets sucked into runs off tackle. We have one of the best pass defenses in the league, but the worst run defense in the league. Offensively, Cutler is playing about as well as anyone could really have expected him to pay. Henry's numbers are awesome, but I would definitely like to see him score a little more. Although each game thus far has been scary and saddening for Broncos fans everywhere we still sit at a 2-2 and atop of the AFC West (thank you Norv Turner). The Chargers come to town this Sunday and I believe whoever wins this AFC west battle will go on to win the division.

--Trent Edwards thoroughly impressed everyone and myself in his debut on Sunday. It was a weird feeling seeing a Bill's quarterback drop back, step up in the pocket, and deliver a pass to an open reciever for a first down. Losman would scramble around and get sacked/fumble/throw a riduculous interception/get lucky enough to have Lee Evans make an adjustment to go get his pass. It seems the media is really pro-Edwards as well. During the game the CBS announcers frequently said comments like "Edwards is the real deal," and "Edwards is here to stay." Also Losman was ripped apart in several different articles in today's Democrat and Chronicle. There was literally a page and a half devoted to how awesome Edwards was and how terrible/burnt-out Losman was. Jauron was quick to say after the game that "nobody's position is ever set in stone," and that "every position is always up for grabs." I think we may have seen the last of Jonathon Paul-Losman, and for Bills fans, that's probably a good thing too. Of course we'll probably see him on a 2011 Miami Dolphins team... or in Canada with Ricky Williams. Either one is a good thing for Buffalo

Grand Theft Auto: Lego City

"Get Out Of My Tent!"

First off, the word on the street is that the Ver's senior bio quote is "Get out of my tent. If so I think we should all skip that section of the bio and just give it up...his is the best.



Ze Double team (picks)

New England over Buffalo
Tough one

New York Jets over Miami
Mangenius

Detroit over Philadelphia
The Purple Cobras need Kitna and Roy to go off

San Francisco over Pittsburgh
Why not right?

San Diego over Green Bay
They need a win because they're going to have a loss next week

Minnesota over Kansas City
Adrian Peterson's going to go off

St Louis over Tampa Bay
Today's the day Jackson eclipses four fantasy points

Baltimore over Arizona
But Fitzgerald is still going to have a huge day

Indy over Houston
It's going to be close, but Dallas Clark is going to come down with one late in the game

Cincinnati over Seattle
I assume they won't let up 50 points two weeks in a row, but they are capable of scoring that many

Denver over Fags
Please

Carolina over Atlanta
Steve Smith might outscore them, all he'll need is one

Giants over Washington
No fantasy points for Portis

Dallas over Chicago
Who cares is the NFC

Saints over Titans
Reggie Bush puts up a lot on center stage

Buh buh buh buh.....buh buh....buh buh

NFL Panda Madness Preview!!!


Ready for another crazy, panda-filled season of NFL action? I am! So get your bamboo ready, and find a nice tree to hang out in!! That is of course unless no fun league commissioner doesn't allow the spontaneous but completely irrelevant dancing pandas to interrupt games as they please. If that's the case then I suppose we'll look to TNA's own PacMan Jones to steal the show as the greatest athlete in sports' entertainment. If all else fails the announcer at the stadium can turn on The Baha Men's "Who Let The Dogs Out," and we can tear this place apart.

Here it comes, I am going to do a very similar preview to the one I did last year (writing a lot about all the AFC teams, and cracking jokes at the asshole uzbekistanis from the NFC). At the end I will do a little playoff preview and throw out some awardys for yeez. BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!!!

But first, I am going to do a leetle (top ten) power rankings...



Power, Power!

1) New England Patriots
--Right now they are the most talented team in football with the best coach in football. A pretty solid combo for a team that won't be happy unless they are hoisting the Lombardi Trophy by years' end.

2) Baltimore Ravens
--They got a little older at every position but running back, but just one year shouldn't make much of a difference for a team with an absolutely smothering defense, and a subpar offense that might be able to score this year.

3) Indianapolis Colts
--Manning is probably good for another 45 touchdowns while Addia will rush for north of 1350. Their defense should remain consistent and put lots of pressure on oppposing quarterbacks. After saying these three things, how could they possibly be behind Baltimore? Good question

4) San Diego Chargers
--Didn't lose much of anything aside from their offensive and defensive coordinators. Oh yeah, they also have Norv Turner at the helm instead of Marty. This makes fans of the Broncos, Chiefs, and Raiders, very excited. Norv Turner sucks, even with a super bowl caliber team.

5) Denver Broncos
--If the Broncos are going to capture their second AFC West title in three years then they are going to need some help from Norv Turner. Defensively they should be set with the league's best cornerback tandem, and offensively running back Travis Henry should really help the young Jay Cutler as he develops his game to the next level.

6) New Orleans Saints
--The first NFC team!!! I place them ahead of the Bears because they are way more fun to watch. But in all seriousness the NFC is a two man's race. A spectacular offense vs a stingy defense. Last year the defense prevailed, will it be the same result as seasons past?

7) Chicago Bears
--Much like the Saints, they play in the NFC. So what I am saying is, the best that either of these teams can do is second place. Stellar defense, so-so offense, weak division...They'll be a-okay.

8) Cincinnati Bengals
--If the majority of their players can stay out of prison than the Bungals should be ok. Whether or not they win the division depends soley on their two games against the Ravens. Yeah, I know I am a realy genius for figuring out that theory.

9) Dallas Cowboys
--The very defensive oriented team from D-town added a great defensive minded coach in Wade Phillips. Merrian Barber and Julius Jones is as good as a two back system gets, and Terry Glenn, Terrell Owens, and Jason Witten make for one of the league's most dynamic passing attacks. Just watch out for field goals

10) Daa Billlls
--April fools. No, I just feel that after these nine teams there is a substantial drop off and no other team (maybe the 69ers) are deserving of being in the top ten.



11:30 Walks out to batting practice with a tank-top on.
11:45 After no stretching steps into the cage, ignores the 5 bunts standard procedure.
11:47 Takes 25 cuts, hits 17 over the monster and misses the other 8.
11:48 Calls the batting practice pitcher a homo and tells him to go bang Nomar for mixing in a curveball after Dougie hit one onto the pike.





AFC East

1) New England Patriots: 13-3
In my opinion they are by far the most talented team in the league. With Tom Brady and ol' Billy you have a chance a super bowl. Then you throw in Adalius Thomas, Donte Stallworth, Randy Moss, and a better Laurence Maroney. They goin be naaassssttttty. For the sake of keeping it close I have New England going 13-3 with losses coming to Baltimore, San Diego, and Indianapolis. Realistically, they could go 15-1 or even.......14-2.

2) New York Jets 8-8
Eric Mangenius led this overachieving squad to the postseason last year. That was a sham because the Broncos lost, but whatev. After the Patriots there is a real drop off in talent in this division. It's really a race for second where neither of the three teams have a legitamate shot at making a playoff run.

3) Buffalo Bills 6-10
Despite the fact that they aren't a very talented team except in the special teams, this young Bills squad has arguably the toughest schedule in the league and could realistically end up starting off the season 0-8. Seriously.... Denver, Pittsburgh, New England, Jets, Dallas, Baltimore, the Jets again, and then Cincinnati. Maybe they will squeak one out against the Jets but other than that they are looking down death row. But hey, like every other year since 1999, it's a rebuilding year.

4) Miami Dolphins 4-12
Aside from the fact that they ain't any good, I don't like em! Really bottom of the barrel this year. If I was their GM I would get a serious pot dealer, and Ricky Williams on the phones. He was awesome back in the day, and coincidentally, the Fins were okay too. Oh how the tides have turned..


AFC North

1) Baltimore Ravens 12-4
I don't think they will improve upon their mark of thirteen wins they had a season ago, but should still sit pretty pretty at 12-4. With Willis McGahee in the backfield (come back player of the year) they should be set on offense, and the Ravens defense led by a couple of Miami boys will be as steller as always. I don't think Nose Hair McNair can take them much further than the divisional playoffs though.

2) Cincinnati Bengals 10-6
Arguably the most explosive offense in the whole league, and still might not make the playoffs. If this team was in the NFC they would be in Super Bowl contention, but in the AFC they are pushin' for the wild card. We know they are going to score, and we know Ocho Cinco is going to put on a show, but what we don't know is if they can score enough points to win because of their very shitty defense. The Colts have been able to do it for years, but even they needed a solid defensive push from playmakes Bob Sanders, Cato June, and Dwight Freeney. I don't know if the Cincinattica Bengals have those kind of impact players because as far as I know the majority of their roster is in prison.

3) Pittsburgh Steelers 8-8
Really just a tough break to be in arguably the toughest division in football. Again, in the NFC they would be top dogs, but because of the shift of power they will be a mediocre team. With four losses coming directly at the hands of their superior division rivals, they Steelers are going to fight to float above .500. They just don't have enough talent on either side of the ball to make a serious playoff push, which is kind of sad, because they actually have some real good players.

4) Cleveland Browns 2-14
Probably the worst team in the league. Really. I look down the shitty shitty schedule and see wins coming only to the Raiders and Texans, and that's if they play out of their minds. Obviously this is a team built for the future with Breylon Edwards, Brady Quinn, Kellen Winslow, and Joe Thomas. But we're still pretty far away from "The Cleveland Browns going to the Super Bowl." HAwr


AFC South

1) Indianapolis Colts 12-4
Surprise surprise, the Colts are going for the AFC south title....again. The defending champs really don't have much to prove as they aren't favored to defend the crown this year. They probably won't play with the same intensity of last year because they have reached the Spurs stage. That said, that still have a lot of great players and I definitely don't want to play them in the post season as a Broncos fan (0-6 in the last 5 years). Maybe some extra motivation for the Colts....If they win twelve games this year they will be only the second team in NFL history to win 12 games in five consecutive seasons.

2) Jacksonville Jaguars 10-6
I want to start off by saying that last stat I said about twelve wins in 5 consecutive seasons is false. I mean hell, it might be true, but probably not. Thought I'd let ya know. The Jags made the decision to stay with one beefy black QB and let the other beefy black QB go. I'm sure it was a good decision, but if one of them were to change their numbers I wouldn't know who's who probably. Great defense, explosive running backs, and tall wide receivers. Unfortunately the Fags seem to play down to the level of their competition and always find themselves in close games. For example, they managed to defeat the Colts last year in the dome, but also got swept by the Houston Texans. Lucky for them, if they find themselves in the middle of a playoff hunt in at the end of the season, they have games against Oakland and Houston in the last two weeks.

3) Tennessee Titans 7-9
The Titans overachieved last year as Vince Young played out of his mind en route to Rookie of the Year. Helping him along the way was Drew Bennett, Travis Henry, and Adam "Pacman" Jones. All of the aforementioned players will not be playing for the Titans this year, and they really failed to improve in just about any position this offseason. I don't want to count them out because I know how amazing Vince Young can be, but they aren't going to make the playoffs this year.

4) Houston Texans 1-15
The Texans have November 25th circled on their calender this year. That Sunday when they square off against the Browns might be their only chance for a W this year. I hope they go 0-16. They deserve it after passing on Reggie last year.


AFC West

1) Denver Broncos 12-4
Fuck you guys, they rule! The Chargers are nothing with Norv Turner. Honestly, I'm doing these predictions on the outlandish belief that the Broncos are going to sweep the Chargers in the season. But with the best cornerback tandem in the league, along with Jarvis Moss and Simeon Rice coming off the edges, this defense will be a force to be reckon with eh? And Jason Elam is a rainbow warrior.

2) San Diego Super Chargers 11-5
Again, with Turner at the helm they are going to blow big SoCal balls. Yes they have super bowl talent, but they aren't cool. I honestly believe that both of these teams are superbowl caliber teams. Am I worried? Yes. Do I think the Chargers are going to win the division? Probably. But I am holding out hope right. A boy can dream can't he?

3) Kansas City Chiefs 7-9
Okay defense and one of the leagues premier backs will guide this Chiefs squad to around seven wins. Unfortunately, I think their quarterback might have played for the Rochester Brigade four years ago. Seriously though, Brody Croyle is their starter? Jokes on me right.... I thought you played to win the game?

4) Oakland Raiders 3-13
The Raiders should have never let Art Shell go. This team was showing promise last season as he switched the music in his headset from classic to contemporary. That said, the Raiders defense is pretty good, but they just aren't going to win many games. I do think signing Caulpepper was a great idea because he is basically a older shittier version of Jamarcus Russell right?


And now on to the much less significant NFC!!!

NFC East

1) Dallas Cowboys 12-4
The big D-Boys are the cream of the crop in the NFC East. Sweet. Great defense, good recievers (Glenn, Owens, and Witten) two solid running backs, and a kicker with some great celebrations. Whatever it's the NFC...

2) Philadelphia Eagles 9-7
The Eagles are a pretty decent team who have a favorable schedule. If McNabb stays healthy they will definitely challenge the D-Bags for the NFC East crown. Although they are going to be cursed because of the release of fan favorite, white wide reciever Jeremy Bloom. I hate the Eagles though, probably my least favorite team in the league.

3) Washington Redskins 8-8
I think if Portis stays healthy the Skins can make a legitimate playoff push. Jason Campbell showed some serious potential last year, and Santana Moss is one of the most dynamic recievers in the game. Don't count out the Skins.

4) G-Men 3-13
Bottom of the barrel. They really should've hired somebody else, maybe they would still have Tiki Barber if Coughlin was out.

Matty D is getting lazy and the NFC doesn't really matter so here are my picks for each division


NFC North- Chicago Bears
NFC South- New Orleans Saints
NFC West- St. Louis Rams


Yeah, the Rams....I have Stephen Jackson on my fantasy team.



AFC Seeding
1........New England Patriots
2..........Baltimore Ravens
3........Dener Broncos
4...........Indianapolis Colts
5......San Diego Chargers
6........Jacksonville Jaguars

Non-Important Seeding
1.....New Orleans Saints
2.........Chicago Bears
3.......Dallas Cowboys
4........St. Louis Rams
5......Philadelphia Eagles
6......Seattle Seahawks



Wild Card Matchups

Denver Broncos over Jacksonville Jaguars
In a rematch from the regular season, the Broncos thump the fags at Mile high and move on

Indianapolis Colts over San Diego Charers
This one is pretty simple, Peyton Manning plays outstanding, and Norv Turner blows the game

Dallas Cowboys over Seattle Seahawks
In a rematch from last year the Cowboys hold onto this really close matchup with a GW Field goal

Philadelphia Eagles over St Louis Rams
The young Rams lose to Westbrook and McNabb who look like super bowl contenders in this blowout


Divisional Round

Denver Broncos over Baltimore Ravens
Denver is as good as team can get when they match up with the Ravens.

New England Patriots over Indianapolis Colts
In the most hyped playoff game in a century, the Patriots win 41-14.

New Orleans Saints over Philadelphia Eagles
New Orleans overcomes a second half deficit and squeaks out a win

Chicago Bears over Dallas Cowboys
Bears win 13-10 with their only touchdown being a kick return.


Conference Championships

New Orleans Saints over Chicago Bears
The rematch of last years second place bowl starts off amazing with a kick off return by Hestner, and then four plays later a n 86 yard touchdown screen pass to Reggie Bush. After that the game slowed down a lot with the Saints squeaking enough points to pull out a big win and move on to their first Super Bowl ever.

New England Patriots over Denver Broncos
I suppose I can be biased at times, but I have to be realistic too. The Patriots are the most well-rounded team I have seen in quite awhile. They aren't weak at any position and should coast through this season. Although if anyone is going to slay the dragon, it would be Denver. They are 4-0 against the Pats in the last three seasons, which includes Brady's first playoff loss. Cutler coasted the whole season letting the talent around him help him shine, but Billichieck tears the young QB up in this game and sets him back two years.


Super Bowl
New England Patriots over New Orleans Saints
On the Happy-to-be-here scale, the Saints are a whopping 9.5 while Brady and the Pats are all bussiness. Brady wins another Super Bowl MVP, and will likely get two more supermodels pregnant because of it. Must be nice to be rich and awesome and handsome. He is the reflection of perfection and will most likely end this season with the Lombardi trophy in hand.


Pro Bowl
Aha, I am hilarious..




Tom L.....Rulez!!!


(I have already wrote that on four different desks)

"BROOM STICKS"


--Yankees finished off the Red Sox today 5-0 en route to a three game sweep. Still, Yanks are five games back with just a month to go. With another three game series coming up in a few weeks I don't think it's unreasonable to believe that the Yankees can win the division. The Sox have been by far the best team in the league all season and as a biased baseball fan I believe their time is up. I know Shane is going to hate this comment, but Joba has definitely pumped some life and energy into this ball club. It's very exciting to see such a young pitcher dominate thus far like he has. I mean with modern medicine and his high income I don't see why he will ever let up a run in the big leagues.

But with upcoming series' with the Royals and the Devil Rays the Yankees can go on a big run. Hopefully, especially with Manny out for a little while, the Sox will slide far enough to make them catchable by the next mini series. In all likely hood the Sox will win the division with the Yankees taking the wild card. Something most Yankees fans won't be to happy about, but they'll be content on making the playoffs and seeing what happens from there. Yankee fans like Josh and I are desperately hoping that the Yankees go on a historic run and the Sox fall into a monumental collapse. God knows that I don't want to be that guy in the jorts the day the season is over.

On the other side of the coin, who wouldn't want to see Tom L in some denim shorts. I mean he's never even worn jeans let alone a pair thats high enough for some pasty white thigh action. With the frays and the pockets coming out of the bottom I believe that the jorts could really work for you Tom. And I say that last statement with the same level of intelligence that Euge uses when he writes about baseball. Hawr

--With the summer dwindling Matty D isn't that depressed about school lurking in the future. I don't have that many classes, and only one class (physics) on a daily basis. I have lots of dickin' around time and even another class with Mr. Edwards. The end of an era. Amongst all my classes, media studies is the one I am looking forward to the most. I heard tales of its greatness from last years group, and that wasn't even with Mr. Edwards at the helm.

On top of that, Mr. Schmidt is a really cool guy and I feel fortunate to have him as our principal. He has already discussed ideas of a senior trip, brining back class competition, and possibly a January ski trip. All of which are pretty exciting events compared to years past when we have had dick to look forward to. The once (literally once) celebrated powder puff game is very secondary and possibly a scapegoat if we can't pull of class competition. God knows nobody wants to see some girls toss around the ol' pigskin while playing at the same speed that rivals a shitty mighty might game.

--With the shadow of the NFL season slowly creeping upon us, I think it's time for a season preview. Possibly some power rankings or maybe my season predictions. Not sure yet, but expect a big NFL update in the coming weeks.

--Madden 08 for XboX 360 is the best Madden installment ever. Really, the franchise mode, superstar mode, the mini games, and most of all, the gameplay. It's so smooth and realistic that it finally brings back the fun to the franchise that has sold more video games worldwide than any other. On top of all that, I am sure online play is just as amazing. I am yet to try it, but would love to go at it with some twenty-eight year old loser who calls time outs to jerk it to his doggie porn.

--Summerslam was by far the biggest disapointment of the summer. Finlay Kane was the best match of the night. Triple H delivered some excitement, but everybody knew he was going to win anyway. The Bastista-Khali match was the one I was probably most looking forward to and it was beyond horrendously bad. But above all, that rat fucking bastard John Cena managed once again to walk away with the title. I suppose I am putting to much stock into wrestling, because I should just accept the fact that the Mustang Drivin', cock takin', seamen eatin', douchenozzle is going to have the title for awhile. God I hope Triple H kills him next month. Not just beat him, but actually kills him. Maybe he'll fuck up a Pedigree and put him out for some time or something. I don't care how it's done, but we need a new champion.

This is one of the many reasons why I hate John Cena....



watta douche


--Tom L ............. RulezZZ

A Day In the Life of JP Losman


This is a simulation of a day for Jonathon Paul Losman. For fun, we'll fast forward a few weeks to the season opener....


8:49 am- Wakes up in his king sized water bed completely naked aside from a pair of rainbow socks
8:55 am- Smokes a bowl
9:02 am- Goes to his neighbors house and has sex with his eighteen year old daughter, very loudly
9:14 am- Smokes a bong
9:18 am- Puts on Sunday NFL countdown and watches (still high) all the analysts pick Buffalo to lose their season opener
9:22 am- All the guys on CBS countdown predict the same thing
9:29 am- Of all the pregame shows, only Terry Bradshaw predicts the Bills to upset the Broncos
9:39 am- Starts his trip to the Ralph with a stop to his dealer along the way
10:02 am- After smoking a twenty bag (by himself) and downing three sausage MacMuffins, he arrives at the Ralph
10:23 am- Man at locker room door yelling at J-to-the-P about being an hour late. Because Losman is so stoned he doesn't even realize this little man is Dick Jauron
10:34 am- Asks Lee Evans if he wants to smoke. Evans is stunned. Gametime in less than three hours.
10:41 am- Takes a pregame shower (only guy in there) to show off his sub-par sized, but well tamed package
10:53 am- Tells Moorman and Lindell he has a secret to tell them. As they approach, JP smashes their heads together and spits at them as they fall to the floor.
11:04 am- Chest bumps Marshawn Lynch
11:13 am- Leaves locker room to toke up for fourth time today
11:25 am- Craig Knoll sees Losman smoking. JP announces, "You wanna start bro?" Knoll begins to smile, and then JP says, "Then start smoking..." and he throws his burnt joint at Knoll's face. Craiggy goes to tears. Losman is happy for first time today.
11:38 am- Losman enters woman's room in stadium to take a shit because the ladies' rooms are cleaner
11:51 am- Despite the fact that JP is supposed to be at a meeting, he finds himself entering the Jills' locker room and ends up having a three some with two ebony chicks and a hot blonde
12:32 pm- Losman finally returns to locker room and gives Jauron the finger as he starts to yell at him.
12:53 pm- Arrives on field with seven minutes until kick-off. Didn't watch film, or even warm-up.
12:57 pm- Walks onto the middle of the field for coin toss. Sticks his hands down his pants, and then shakes everybody's hands
12:58 pm- Bills win the toss but to everybody's surprise JP interupted Donte Whitner and announced they didn't want the ball. Without saying another word or shaking anyone elses hands, JP trots to the bench and grabs some gatorade.
1:07 pm- Jay Cutler completes a twenty-five yard pass to Javon Walker who runs out of bounds near JP. Losman yells "Hey Walker. Nice Calves." Walker is stunned.
1:14 pm- Broncos drive ends in field goal. Losman is still far from ready to play.
1:23 pm- McGee returns kick to the thirty-one. Losman walks lazily onto the field with both hands elbow deep in his jock
1:24 PM- Audibles first play to a run so he doesn't have to throw. Lynch is stopped in the backfield for a big loss.
1:27 pm- Completes first pass on third and 13 to Lee Evans over the middle. Losman drops to knees and starts to point to the sky in triumph.
1:28 pm- Losman feeling great from the first down last play is feeling lucky. He thinks Evans is is running a go route. Evans is running a curl route. Losman hurls the ball into no-mans land and Nick "Papa" Ferguson easily picks it off.
1:29 pm- Losman pulls his grundle at Jauron who looks at his young quarterback in disbelief.
1:37 pm- Broncos end drive with sixteen yard touchdown pass to Rod Smith. Anthony Thomas tells Losman that Cutler is way better than him. Losman responds with "I still make thirty more million than you do, so hop off my shit." Then when the A-Train isn't looking, JP flips him the bird
1:46 pm- The Bills are driving because Marshawn Lynch has 48 yards on 6 carries this drive (which has been all runs). Losman then audibles to a pass play and gets sacked for a loss of seven.
1:52 pm- With the Bills in the red zone and threatening to score Losman throws a terrible pass that is easily intercepted by Dre Bly who takes it 89 yards the other way for 6. Even JP thinks he should've warmed up before this game.
3:30 pm- The Broncos are up 31-3 with minutes remaining in the fourth. JP's numbers are 11-25, 86 yards, and 3 int (two of which for touchdowns).
3:38 pm- JP completes a pass to Peerless Price for 14 yards. Ecstatic that he has surpassed the century mark, JP again falls to his knees and points to the heavens.
3:46 pm- Losman throws a touchdown pass (screen pass to Lynch who made a lot of nifty moves on his way to the end zone). JP walks over to the Broncos sideline and yells "CUTLER!!! SUCK MY BALLS!!!'
3:51 pm- Broncos kneel down and the final score is 31-10. JP doesn't care as he believes he is one step closer to breaking touchdown records.
4:32 pm- Locker room is in a somber mood except for Losman, who makes fun of Moorman for wearing a bathing suit in the shower
4:51 pm- Reporters swamp Losman's locker who decides to answer questions in the nude.
4:55 pm- During questions, he slips a female reporter a note that simply says "Wanna?"
5:03 pm- Reporter asks if there was miscommunication between Evans and him in that first quarter interception. Losman doesn't answer, merely starts to masturbate in front of everybody.
5:04 pm- All reporters leave after which would later be called "The JP Scence."
5:09 pm- Calls Donte Whitner and Ko Simpson "fags."
5:22 pm- Tea bags Anthony Thomas who is getting taped up at the trainer
5:45 pm- Losman drives his Mazda Miata back to his house while smoking "A fat ass L"
6:03 pm- Takes a shower in which he shaves his pubes into a number seven
6:29 pm- Tunes into the Bears-Chargers game as LT takes it 47 yards to the house. Losman fist pumps as his first round fantasy pick is paying off. (Losman made fun of his buddy who drafted him)
6:49 pm- Orders a pizza, and also tells pizza place to pick up a thirty of Blue Light and a bottle of Morgan. He says he will pay handsomely
7:27 pm- Pizza man arrives with all of "the goods." Losman opens door and take "the goods." Pizza man asks for money and J-to-the-P laughs and says "Do you know who I am?" Then he shuts the door still laughing at the man.
7:31 pm- Drinks a beer and eats a slice of pizza before saving it for leftovers.
7:39 pm- Smokes another bowl, and passes out.
8:26 pm- Wakes up. Kills it.
8:49 pm- The Los-Man is ready to go out. He brings his bottle of Morgan to the car and steadily begins to drink it as he drives.
9:15 pm- Losman picks up a hooker and gives it to her on main street in front of everybody watching (without protection).
9:21 pm- Gives hooker the donkey punch and takes his money back.
10:49 pm- After driving and drinking for almost an hour and a half Losman decides to go clubbin'.
10:57 pm- Reaches into glove compartment and grabs his "clubbin' shirt"
11:15 pm- Club bouncer originally doesn't let The Losinator in until a fellow bouncer lets him know that he's the Bills starting quarterback. (This actually happened in real life....)
11:31 pm- Has used the pick up line "Do you know who I am?" seventeen times and is yet to recieve a positive response
11:49 pm- Sits at the bar and finishes Tequilla shots number twelve and thirteen.
11:56 pm- Passes out...
7:49 am- Wakes up next to three hundred pound Mexican Mamacita. Looks at her in disgust then decides she could start at left guard for Buffalo.
7:55 am- Smokes a bowl and then decides he is going to skip practice for the day.

"BLASTOISE!!!!!"


This is easily the funniest thing I have ever seen. Dan showed me this and it's my favorite thirty seconds in world history. Dan was going to put this in his blog but I really wanted to make sure everybody saw this clip. Enjoy.....

"Tim, you paid 5 dollars for that slice?"
"CRAP!!!"


--Earlier this week A-Rod hit his 500th homerun as the Yanks routed the Shitty Shitty bang bang Royals 16-8. A-Rod is the fastest player to ever reach the mark, but as Jayson Stark notes on ESPN.com, he still has a long way to go. I hope when it's all said and done that he is the all-time homerun king. a) He is a Yankee. b) I don't think he has ever used performance enhancing drugs. One of those two factors, or both of which, are going to contribute to a lot of baseball fans pulling for A-Rod to break soon-to-be Bond's home-run record. As for this season, the Yankees are picking it up at the right time and Manny's positive steroid test should be coming in any day now. Phillip Hughes looked phenom like early on but got hit around in the later innings. He is deffinately the real dealio, and should be a Yankee starter for a long time comin'.

--The Xbox fund is going well. I do think it'll take a little longer to save than I originally planned because I like to love a luxurious lifestyle and that costs madd dollazZz. I hope to have a 360 by the time school starts. No fall sport this year is going to give me a lot of free time (Gears of WaR).

--I think there are a few colleges I am going to visit this fall. Syracuse, Caz, and Boston College. Yeah, the latter seems a little bit more difficult to do but I'm going to try to make it happen because they sent me their program thing in the mail today and it looks pretty amazing. Probably a lot of dbaggin Sox fans though.

--I think I am going to pass on Madden this year because the Xbox box (I have all my Xbox funds in a Tupperware container on top of my television) can't have any funds dipped out of it. Lookin' at you Shane. I know you're low on dough and looking for a handout. My box ain't the answer boy.

--Wickey wickaa waaaa Wickaa waa wicha whickey waaaa

--I can't wait for a)turkey shoot b)snowboarding. Shane and I were talking about snowboarding a few days ago and it got me really jacked up and I forgot how fun it was. Also adding to the excitement is that newly appointed principal Mr. Schmidt loves to ski and he says he is interested in taking a group of seniors up to Vermont over Martin Luther King Jr weekend to ski/snowboard. That would be awwweeeeeesssssooooommmmmeeeeeee.

--I think the senior shirts this year should be the same as last year's "peace out high school."


.... say that last statement with absolutely no seriousness.

18 and Life...


--Guitar Hero 80's is out! Overall I am a little disappointed because it's short and the 80's has much more to offer than the game has. That said, it's still an immediate purchase for any guitar hero fan. There is enough great songs to get you throgh the bad ones and enough amazing songs to keep you playing it before you jump ship back GH or GH2. After Shane and I slayed GH2 we quickly went back to the original because the quality of songs. 80's gives us enough so we don't need to travel back in video game time. Although sometimes I do have a hankerin' to play War Pigs or something of the sort. By far, the most disappointing aspect of the latest GH installment is the absence of guitar great Clive Winston. I always played as him for the first two games and now that he is unavailable it has had a negative influence on my heroin'. They still have Izzy Sparks who is made for the 80's hair bands, but it's just not the same...

We also reserved a copy of GH3 which is to be released later this year. That game will change society. The song selection and addition of game play really is nothing short of breathtaking. Battle Mode, Boss Challenges, and "Rock You Like A Hurricane," by the Scorpions could potentially make this the best game ever.

--While on the subject of video games I have recently decided upon saving up all my cashola to buy an Xbox 360. This decision came after Rockstar North released that they would be releasing the much anticipated Grand Theft Auto 4 on the Xbox 360 console. GTA4 was the sole reason that I was going to wait it out and pursue PS3 when it was released, but not I think it's time I hopped on the Microsoft bandwagon and realized it's a better system. Ps2 will always have a place in my heart, but the game selection for 360 is substantially better than that of the Sony platforms. Mainly, I'm speaking of Gears of War. GOW is reason number two (haha number two) why I am saving up for 360. Watching the trailer brings a tear to my eye, god knows what playing it will do. Watch the trailer here...





that rulezZz!!!


--Now that Johnny Arms is legal we find it appropriate and equally hilarious that whenever he spits game to a minor we sing Skid Row's "18 and Life." At first I did it at Lauren's house kind of half-kidding, but it is genuinely funny. I advise all seven of my readers to reinforce this by singing this 80's classic to anyone of age layin' it on thick to some sweet young hunnies.

--I think the Broncos are going to lose in the AFC championship for the second time in three years. But unlike the Jake Plummer lead squad of 2006 who fell at the hands of the Pittsburgh Steelers, this team will lose to the New England Patriots. I mean, if anyone makes it that far, anything can happen, but the Pats are tough, real tough. They are the sole team that scares me in the AFC. The Chargers are led by Norv Turner, and the Colts lost a lot in the offseason (including Brandon "I'm fucking stoked!" Stokely to the Broncos). Ahhh I miss the NFL and this season should be a lot of fun.

--The Yankees are eight games back. You just wait until Manny's positive steroid test and we'll see how they finish up.

--Hobart camp was awesome. I got a little sick of lacrosse at times, and I suppose I could have used more sleep, but it was one of the best five day stretches in my life. Lax with your buddies three times a day, meeting a bunch of new people, devouring pizza every night, lots of red bull, three square meals a day, and a kid named Pubes that will probably have his own facebook group. Most of us got looks from colleges and it's exciting and fun to be recruited. There was a lot of Canadian guys too. And I never believed they actually said eh after everything. Even Riley Austin was developing a Canadian accent midway through the week as he said with all seriousness, "ay, what do you guys think aboot playin' cords eh?" This of course was before we hung the young Austin on a hook by his underwear. He actually began to bleed from the anus. We'll save that story for another time......The point is that Hobart was awesome and I wish I could go back next year.

**SPOILER YOOOO**
--Upon my arrival at Hobart I was nearly done with the last Harry Potter book. I had stayed up all night the day it came out and read it on my way to Hobart camp. I was happy with the ending. All the main characters got by and lived on happily ever after. Fred Weasley got smoked like it ain't no thang. Along with him we saw the deaths of Mad Eye Moody, Tonks, Lupin, and Severus Snape all perished. The epilouge was really cool because finally, something I am very interested in gave me a little closure. Those are the kinds of endings I like. I am really glad that Harry's son was named Albus Severus. Fantastic name. In the unfortunate event that I end up with two kids, they will be named Maverick and Albus Severus.

--Tom L RulezZz!!! t-shirts are on the way!!!

Harry Pothead and the Sorcerer's Stoned!!!


--After seeing Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix twice in the past 16 hours I have concluded that I liked it. I didn't love it, I didn't hate, I just liked it. It was fairly slow for my taste, but I remained interested throughout the movie which is a tough feat to accomplish for a movie of that length. I thought the director did a fairly good job portraying everything from the book into cinematic form. I just feel as if they could've done so much more with this movie. They turned the longest book into the shortest film and naturally as that happened pieces would be left out of the puzzle. We know the movies will never compare with the books, but regardless this was probably my favorite movie to date.

--While at the movie theater twice in the past sixteen hours I was fortunate enough to see the Bourne Ultimatum trailer two times. Unlike Potter, it looks like will pack energy and action around every corner. If the first two movies are any indication of what's to come, then this movie is going to be awesome. I always though Damon was kinda Strissan, but he's rockin' she shit in this one...

--Although I should've said this before Bourne, here are my final Harry Potter predictions. I think Harry will find all the horcruxes and kill Voldemort. That said, I am also fairly confident that Harry dies. Or at least I am hoping he dies as he is an emo little bitch. I am not sure how Harry will die, maybe a curse from Snape or something which would probably end up with Snape dying. I think that would be a suitable ending. All the main men goin' up in flames. Harry sacrificing himself to save the wizarding world from He-who-must-not-be-named. Yeah I hope that's the ending. Anything else will be disappointing.

--80's Edition comes out next week and I am uber excited for it. Anyone who knows me knows that I am an 80's fan. Although I do believe there could be better songs actually in the game, I am more than pleased with the wide variety of music Harmonix will supply for us. I would say "18 And Life" by Skid Row is the song I am most looking forward to playing as it is a song I frequently find myself listening to. I hope my love for the 80's will give me an edge so I can catch fellow competitors like Tommy D, the brothers Wirth, and Shane-O-Mac.

--We had a scrimmage tonight against Aquinas and we fuckin' smoked em. They only scored 1 goal in the second half. That was on our second string defense and our starting goalie. Alex and I dominated throughout scoring goals and getting assists left and right. Hell, even Doeller scored! I hate to be that guy, but I honestly believe that we're going to be the best team in our division and the best team in our class next year. That's a lot of pressure, but I think we can handle it considering we are the most laid back team of all time.

--Once again, Eugene's blog has had a great idea, and has failed to produce results that people like. How both Barry Melrose and Randy Johnson couldn't make the list is terrible. Then calling John Stamos Billy Ray Cyrus. I ain't breakin' you heart, your achey breakey heart, but I just don't think you understand. Maybe dat boi should just give others the ideas and let them run with them because if I was to say they were subpar I would be saying the understatement of the century.


Tom
L
RulezZz!!!!

Off the Grid......


--A few days ago John, Shane, and I fell off the grid. It was nothing short of amazing. I can't say exactly where we went, but it was indeed a magical place. We went off and I loved it. My phone was off the majority of the weekend and it helped me appreciate life without touch to the outside world. I felt like a real simpleton as we mosied about the town. We even got golf carts for a par 3 golf course. It was a dream come true. Where else can you stop ata four way intesection, start to turn left, change your mind, then do a 270 degree turn to continue driving straight. The kicker here was this was the busiest intersection we crossed on our adventure. Makes me feel like one day I'm going to try to live away and off the fatta the land. Possibly with a wrap around porch. I've always wanted one of those. Or at the very least I plan to have a cottage of somesort in an area much like then one we were at.


--Joey Chesnut is a true American hero. He has returned the coveted mustard yellow belt to American territory. In one of the most anticipated sports events in the last ten years, the little Jap couldn't keep up with Chestnut as he devoured 66 hots dogs in twelve minutes. All joking aside, that's pretty amazing. That has to be up there in sports' greatest achievements. Koby has been the most dominant figure the sport has ever seen, and now his reign of champ is over and the Chestnut era will be ushered in. I already have a terrible feeling that one of these men will die mid-competition in an attempt to defeat the other. I hope I'm wrong.


--As the Harry Potter dates slowly approach I get much more excitied. I feel like Christmas is just around the corner. And much like Christmas, I am not too sure what exactly I want to happen. I can tell you this much though, I have no idea how the book is going to go down. Obviously, either Voldemort or Harry will die. I'm not sure who, or how. The most obvious way is Voldermort with the killing curse, or Harry destroying all the horcruxes. Or JK Rowling might pull the David Chase and just bail out on us after six years of anticipation. I don't belive that will be what happens, but I suppose it's a possibility. I'm excited about it, and it's going to be very tough for me to focus during Hobart camp that week as all of my free-time will be devoted to reading the Potter story.


--The Sabres took a huge blow this week as they lost, in my opinion, their two best players in Briere and Drury. I am not that big of a hockey fan, but I watch a lot of their games and I was pretty sad/angry/frustrated when they came up short this year. Obviously we knew we were going to lose one of the two, but both our two best players gone within a few hours of each other to conference rivals is just heartbraking. It's going to be a long road to recovery. The Bills have been on that road since 2000. Buffalo is just not a good place to be right now.


--I think it will be neccesary for my brothers and I (lookin' at you Dan) to purchase Playstation 3 when Grand Theft Auto 4 comes out later this year. Other than that, I don't really want the new platform that badly. I suppose 360 would be pretty sweet despite the fact that I have been against XboX since the original system. But everyone tells me how awesome 360 is so eventually I know I will end up with one. But seriously, San Andreas was my favorite game of all time. Think about that with out hoodrich Carl Johnson, a better platform, and an exact replica of New York City. It's going to be unbelievable, and obviously very controversial. I'll have to get my grubby paws on it.


--As my friends and I attended Sea Breeze last week Euge and I discussed the possibility of a "Day in the Life of Paul Anzak pt 4" where we look at how the Lone Wolf would spend his time at an amusement park. Specifically, Seabreeze. I rode the success of the Anzak saga for like two weeks and would like to do the same again, but I don't want to ruin the originals by taking it overboard. If you would like a new Anzak posting either IM me or comment yonder because I care about what all seven of my readers care about. I care. I care........




Tom
L.
RuleZzZ!!!

Where to Start?


--I am very excited about July 13th and July 21st. These are some of the most important dates of the year for Harry Potter fans as the last installment of the series will be released in book form, and the Order Of the Pheonix movie will be in theaters. Surely there is a lot to be excited about. But, for some people....Eugene.....the Harry Potter series is "shitty." I don't think I need to go on a rant on how stupid a comment like that is. We'll just leave it with....Euge, "You're dead! You're done! I'm going to fucking kill you! You're Biggie! You're Tupac! I hope your plane crashes! Peace fucker!"


--Shane's last blog entry was bad. The title was six years in the making and what do we get? We find out Shane likes Harry Potter, and more specifically Severus Snape. Awesome. That's like me writing an entire NFL season preview and only writing that I like the Broncos and my favorite player is Champ Bailey. I know he's going to release his "predictions and expectations" soon, but until then I'm very disapointed. He only updated so his blog doesn't become like Nathan's/John's/Josh's/Tom L's/Mike L. I anticipate better from you in the near future braa.


--As one of four varsity players (The Four Horsemen) to attend the lax camp this week I can honestly say that we have a legitamate chance to capture the division title next year. Brighton and HFL are weak. Hilton lost a lot of people on defense and in the midfield (their attack were never very good). Thomas will be our only threat. We talk down their talent because we took them to overtime this year, but they're going to be good. Pat Morrill is a lot better than anyone (myself included) gives him credit for. I have played with several people at the Thomas camp this week and realized that despite losing DsCaLzZz and Brendon Rothfuss they are going to be good. Gurowksi is awesome. He's not a scorer but he sets up everything in their offense. Nick Scalzo will lead the way offensively for the Titans and upcoming lefty Jackie-O will replace Rothfuss. Obviosuly they won't be as tough as the were this year. But we cannot underestimate somebody we have never beaten. Especially when they have Jake Zeigler. He's just nasty. Needless to say, our games against them next year will be highly anticipated events.


--Wiffle ball has been on the decline of late. We don't go in the backyard as much, but when we do it's usually for mini lax. Which is awesome, I really love minilax. But everytime we play it I end up doing good and Shane gets all pissed off at me. I think wiffle ball should make a comeback soon. Who's comin' with?

--( . )( . )--
^^haha^^


--After a week of our Summer time Golf Championship I am in the lead with 14 points. Josh is tailing me closely with 11 points. Trailing him is Shane with 7 points. And bringing up the rear is Eugene with 0 points. Eugene is actually tied with Nathan who is yet to go golfing in his life. That's what you get for bashing Harry Potter bro. The winner of our little tournament by summer's end wins a leather jacket compliments of Steve and Barry's. I am personally rooting for the selection of the "Hot Rod" jacket. I have tried to persuade a few of my friends into purchasing them on more than one occassion and this might be my big chance to get a Hot Rod jacket.


--Speaking of funny clothing.....I am officially worried about jorting it to school next year. There's still a lot of baseball left to play but the Red Sox are playing out of their minds and we're not. Hopefully I can pull the jorts off on 80's day or somethin' so I don't look to retarded.


--Tom L. RuLezZz!!!


--I think Sublime's best song is Santeria. Anyone care to argue that?

"You wanna toke?"


--I maintain that people should update blogs when they have something genuinely interesting to write about. Naturally, over the course of the last two weeks, I have had nothing interesting to write about. But I feel as if I owe it to my loyal readers to give them some substance every so often despite the fact that nothing significant is happening in this uneventful existance called me life.

--Facebook is quickly becoming way too myspace like for my liking. The original reason I created my facebook account almost two years ago was for a communicative tool I could use with other people aside from myspace because I believe myspace is the anti-christ. Now Zuckerberg is throwing around music/foodfight/graffitti and a bunch of other "applications" that make me so pissed off I want to associate Mr. Marky Mark Zuckerberg with D-Baggin' Tom from myspace. But above all else, the single thing that might lead to the demise of facebook and the deactivation from my account is the "Top Friends." Were looking at a facebook where people write on other people's walls asking why they aren't in their top friends. As soon as I see one of these comments I am out, and hope you're comin' with...

--Our Lancer Lacrosse team is going to be very tough next season. I realize that it's a little less that a year away, but I'm excited about it. It's going to be a weird transition for me though. We lose Johnny LegzZz and the rest of the seniors for some d-baggin' sophompores soon to be juniors. Most of these kids suck and won't see a minute of playing time. The big downfall however comes during the off-season when our three year starting players have to split time with these assholes because they paid to be there as well. Just yesterday we were up 3-0 in our contest against RH. Alex, Brandon, and myself come out of the game after 7 solid minutes of play. By the time we got back in we found our team down 9-3. The final score was 14-9 with our starting attack scoring all of our goals (3 for each of us). Our middies will contribute eventually, but it's still cause for concern. No middies scored in our home game against Brighton and we still won. The middies only put in one goal combined in the sectional quarterfinal against Aquinas and we still won. So clearly we don't need that much help from the middies, but a little would be nice.

8-----D (<--- haha look at that <---)

--I have never spent more money on a movie that I have spent on "Knocked Up." It's already one of my top five favorite movies of all time. I have spent nearly thirty dollars at the theaters to see this movie and still cannot get enough of it. I am going to a movie in like 20 minutes and I'm pissed off because I know it won't be half as good. Whatev. I am already looking forward to "Superbad" coming out this summer and will probably be unsatisfied with every movie until I see that one.

--Summer has kicked off. I think the official summer theme song is "Teenage Wasteland" by The Who, but I need some clarification from my men. Needless to say it's going to be a fun summer as I have already hung out with my guys, been to graduation, played some rounds of golf, and done some other stuff. I think I passed all my exams (I haven't recieved word that I failed and thought I would have by now) and recieved my schedule for next year in the mail. I have to say, it looks like a very promising school year. But fuck that, it's summertime and the livin's easy.

--Party like a rock
Party like a rock star..