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Not SOOOO Badd

--My Super Bowl predictions weren't quite as accurate as the ones I made for the Colts Bears Super Bowl, but it was pretty close.

I said Steelers 27-13, but the Cards played a much better game than I thought they would.  It could've been a blow-out, but the Steelers failed repeatedly to make good on their red zone appearances.  Which, for entertainment purposes, is probably a good thing.

I had picked Big Ben to take home the MVP,  but he didn't.  Debate it all you want, but there was no clear cut winner.  Big Ben, Holmes, Harrison, Kurt, Fitzgerald.  They all had good games, and could've made a case for the first three

Dennis Green is smiling.  Not because he dislikes the Cards, but because he enjoys the stock-trading baby from eTrade

The Steelers did indeed win, and people have said "One for the other thumb."  Which is much lamer than what I said, "One for the backside pinky."

It's debatable the Pittsburgh's defense as a whole could've deserved the award, but that's not exactly going out on a limb for a prediction so I won't brag about that

I haven't talked to my Uncle Joe yet, but I'm sure he's as happy as Michael Phelps is when he's ripping a huge stinky hit of weed

The Boss' halftime show was disappointing =(

eTrade had the best commercial.  Not debating this you schenkapottamous

We didn't see Money slammin' patron, but who's doubtin' it?

Dirt was visibly upset last night, but he did pick the winner

Kurt Warner's retirement looms, Boldin out of Zona, and the Cardinals future are all up for debate, but you'll all see when the dust settles

All in all, we have just witnessed another fantastic Superbowl.  Before all these great ones, Superbowl XXXII was widely considered the best ever played (Broncos over Patriots).  While I still think it was, we have clearly seen an upside in competition in the past decade.

No fucking way any one of those plays was better than the Helmet Catch though.  Not debating this either yo.

(This will make sense)

I Believe in a Thing Called Love!

Truth be told, that title holds absolutely zero significance.  I just really like that song.  It's sad that journalists are seldom allowed to pick their titles anymore (the job is left up to editors, who are far more practical but far less creative).  So while I have the opportunity, I guess I will abuse the privilege of titles that mean nothing.  And with that, at least a paragraph that means nothing to explain the nothingness of the title.  So now, I guess the title actually has some significance, not by substance, but by being different because it has spurred an entire paragraph of nonsense that you have now read.  Sucker!

Okay, I'm sorry, you're not a sucker.  I appreciate you reading and apologize for wasting your time =(.

The Arizona fucking Cardinals?  Come on, seriously?  That's as likely as a Ferrera family watching the Bernie Mac Show.  But seriously, they really did it.  Widely touted as one of the worst playoff teams in sports history.  Then they beat Atlanta, Carolina, and the Eagles.  Ming dude, that's very impressive.  But alas, for all of you who think they will have their asses stomped out in two weeks may I draw a comparison.  Last year, the Giants were not as good as the Patriots.  This year, the Cardinals are not as good as the Steelers.  Get it?  Not always the best team wins.  So maybe.....just maaaayyyybbbeeee the Cards can get it done.

My money is on Money!  BTW I have begun calling Mike Tomlin Money.  If anyone has a problem with this then you are RETARDED!  The man is without a doubt the coolest coach in sports since Gene Hackman (told you it would make sense).

Anyways I guess I'll make a Super Bowl Prediction.  Last time I did I guessed it almost perfectly.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Colts-31
Bears-13
Ditka-3 month state of depression
Archie and Eli Manning-Super Envious of ultra-successful Peyton
Edgerrin James-(See Ditka)
Bill Polian-Finally gets a Super Bowl ring
Peyton Manning-MVP
Bob Sanders-The deserving MVP
Vinatieri-Most Super Bowl rings of all kickers
*Above statement doesn't neccessarily mean anything*
Prince-Worst halftime show ever
Commercials-Most of which will suck with 2-3 good ones

---------------------------------------------

Pretty good right?

So here goes.....

Steelers- 27

Cardinals-13

Ben Rothlisberger- MVP

Dennis Green- Lots of smiles

Rooney- "One for the backside pinky"

Most deserving MVP- Pittsburgh's defense as a whole

Uncle Joe "Irish"- Happiest person I know

Bruce Springstein- Great fuckin halftime show

Most likely to have great commercial- eTrade

Mike Tomlin- Slams Patron at the post game ceremony in front of millions

Dirt- Picked Super Bowl winner, but feels bittersweet because he wants the Cards

Kurt Warner- Retirement looms

Anquan Boldin- Out of Arizona

Cardinals- Slip back into mediocrity

That's the way the cookie crumbles...

Oh I Feel So Rotten

                                                 

I feel bad for 2009.  It's got so much to follow, and come on, it can't do it.  Whether it be politics, pornography, sports, or just about anything else, 2008 took the limits of humanity to the farthest extent.

Here's a list of monumental events that happened in 2008 (Listen in order of importance):

1) Gears of War 2

2) Gears of War: Aspho Fields

3) Grand Theft Auto IV

4) Firing of Mike Shanahan

5) Usain Bolt

6) Detroit Lions 0-16

**Yes this is in order of importance**

7) Giants upset Patriots

8) Philadelphia's first champion since Rocky

9) Numerous Brian Billick Coors Light commercials

10) Celtics Vs. Lakers rivalry renewed

11) George Bush has shoes hurled at him

12) Atlanta Falcons, and Hawks make playoffs; Braves don't

13) Yankees miss playoffs

14) Florida Gators, SEC Champions

15) Eric Devendorf punches girl student

16) Blackberry Storm

17) iPhone

18) Jim and Pam engaged

19) Worst season in Michigan football history

20) American Hero Joey Chestnut repeats

21) Toilet Bowl Champion!

22) Michael Phelps breaking records and then ruining it by a terrible hosting of SNL

23) Matt Ryan

24) South Florida turnarounds (Miami Dolphins, and Tampa Bay Rays)

25) Tim Tebow's press conference

26) Barack Obama

27) Samuel L. Jackson....R.I.P

28) Bernie Mac...R.I.P.

29) Heath Ledger....R.I.P.

30) Vince Young's career....R.I.P.

31) Party Like It's 1999 Achievement

32) Plaxico Burress incident

33) Lil Wayne has a blog on ESPN

34) PERFECT PUSHUP

35) Peyton Manning bounces back from two knee surgeries to capture league MVP

36) Tom Brady tears his ACL in first quarter of NFL season

37) JP Losman accepting role as "NFL's Least Valuable Player"

38) Martin Scorsese leading Devil Rays to World Series

39) Did I mention Michigan's awful football season?  Like worst in history.

40) Jason Elam being robbed for NFL's MVP for second straight season

41) The year of Salsa Con Queso

42) OJ Simpson getting what he deserves

43) Forgetting Sarah Marshall

44) Baby eTrade commercials

45) Jet Favre

46) Tiger Woods wins US Open despite severe knee injury

47) Tiger Woods' caddy calls out Phil Mickelson

48) Ed Hoculi; although it was for naught, I still appreciate the efforts

49) The XboX boom amongst our friends

50) The economy floundering

51) Warren Sapp topping 400 lbs

52) High School Musical 3

53) Lohmaier in Jeans?!

54) Marty Roberts.  "First Time, At Last"

55) Rick Reilly to ESPN

Clearly this a tough act to follow.

Good luck 2009, you'll fuckin' need it.

Jesus Christ

All of you tree hugging Bills fans can complain all you want, but keeping Dick Jauron isn't half as bad as the Broncos firing Mike Shanahan.  He is easily a top 5 coach in the league, and the Broncos cannot possibly upgrade.

The Broncos, talentwise, are no better than a 5 win team.  They're always competitive, because Shanahan won't let them be lousy.  My entire life he's been the head coach, and a successful one at that.  

Brian Billick, Bill Parcells, Bill Cowher.  I don't know.  I just don't know.

This is so ridiculously inexplicable that the only reasons I can think for firing him are these....

--Shanahan came down with diabetes, and a town meeting said Denver can only have one spokesperson for such.

--Shanahan campaigned for Sam Bradford to win the Heisman

--Shanahan is taking time away to spend time with newly discovered son, former NHL Superstar Brendan Shanahan.

--Urban Meyer sent in his resume.

--Owner thought Denver didn't get enough headlines in the national spotlight.

--He's taking time away to take care for some of Travis Henry's children.

--He's dead.

--He's applying for the Raider's job.

--Owner thought he could hire ferret for much less money.

I have no fuckin clue

?!?NFL?!?

For me, the biggest question of the NFL season has been, who's going to take home the coveted MVP award.  For the last couple seasons the award has been easy to hand out because of all the record breaking seasons.

Tom Brady last year (TD passes)

Ladainian Tomlinson two seasons ago (Total TD)

Although there have been really great performances this season, as a whole, nobody really stands out.   Not only that, but no team is as dominant either, so the Associated Press can't just hand out the award to the best team's best player.

There have been columns and articles and a whole bunch of other shit from all sorts of alleged experts saying who should claim the award.

Kurt Warner?

Peyton Manning?

Chris Johnson?

Ben Rothlisberger?

Adrian Peterson?

Chad Pennington?

Phillip Rivers?

Somebody from the Giants has to receive votes?

Same with the Panthers?

Matt Ryan?

Here we go, time to scratch and claw and eliminate assholes from the above list to ensure we don't have a Co-MVP, because that sucks and Randy Johnson deserved all of the award after that World Series, not Curt Schilling.  

Phillip Rivers doesn't deserve it because he's a fucking asshole

Chad Pennington doesn't deserve it because his team name is the Dolphins.  Really Chad?  The Dolphins?  Why don't you just play for the Princess Pansy Pussies.

Kurt Warner doesn't deserve it because the AARP doesn't need any more power or influence in its organization.

Ben Rothlisberger doesn't deserve it because it just doesn't work for me.  If his name was Ben Rothlisgarbageplate than maybe it'd be a different story.

Matt Ryan kind of deserves it because he didn't want to go undefeated last season so Tebow could win the Heisman.  Thanks Matt =)

Matt Ryan doesn't deserve it because, THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE HIGHLANDER!  My name's Matt and I don't like to hear about people who are more successful than I with the same name.

Somebody from the Giants?  Well I guess that's easy to dismiss because the only person that stands out has a bullet wound in his thigh.

Somebody from the Panthers?  I'll dismiss that because One of the deserving members gets a hard-on from knocking out teammates.  I guess De Angelo Williams could get some votes but he doesn't deserve it either because he has an Italian first name.

Chris Johnson doesn't deserve it because anyone with a great offensive line and the fastest 40 time ever can run like that.  Other than his blazing speed, great vision and balance, he's just a product of his system.

Who'd I miss, hmmmm.  This is where it gets difficult for me.  If you didn't know, I have left Peyton Manning and Adrian Peterson.  Not only are they two of the most talented players in the league, but I like them.  Adrian Peterson is fun to watch and does good Sportscenter commercials.  Peyton Manning is loved by everyone.  Unfortunately, THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE HIGHLANDER!

Adrian Peterson doesn't deserve it because he was on Shane's fantasy team and Peyton was on mine.  Some could say that's unfair because Shane team had a better record.  In the end, I won more money, and I had won the only head-to-head matchup all season between us.

Congrats Manning on becoming the second player in NFL history to win three AP MVP awards.  May you please go on and break all of Jet Favre's other records.

You'll See, You'll All See!!!

--Sam Bradford won the Heisman.  Whoopty Doo Bazzle, what does it all mean?  It means that Urban Meyer is super serially serious.  He definitely cares more about the Heisman than Tebow does.  It will all show just a few weeks away when the Gators hammer the Sooners harder Tim Vander hammers Spencer Stone.  Like the last nine weeks, I recommend any of yous go out and take Florida, no matter what the line is.  They'll cover.  They'll cover.  COVER COVER COVER!

--I've been thinking about writing a novel for sometime now, and I think I have my idea.  Halo Vs. Gears!  Master Chief is on planet earth right, but the flood takes over and even he realizes there's no hope for humanity, so he and his friends flee the galaxy in search of a new home.  That's when they come across Sera.  From afar they think that Sera is the perfect place to be.  Little do they know, that the fine people of Sera are fighting their own war against the Locust Horde.  Master Chief refuses to commit to the COG army, but offers his services to Chairman Prescott.  Master Chief and Marcus Fenix don't get along.  While Fenix is one the most respected soldiers to ever fight on Sera, the gears are infatuated by Master Chief and his abilities.  There's an internal struggle with a simultaneous external struggle against the Locust horde as they are stronger than ever.  What will happen? Nobody knows!

Except me....

--Read sportspickle.com

It's a satirical sports website with some funny ass stories.  DJ Gallo is a hell of a writer.

--If the Broncos lose to the Bills next week then we're going to lose the division =(.  I hope JP Losman starts.