A FUCKING SHARK ATE ME

--I haven't written anything in awhile mainly because I was still trying to live fromt he success of the Anzak ones. Those will be tough but I will do my damdest to keep my readers happy.

--We toppled Aquinas 11-9 today becoming the first Eastridge lacrosse team to win a sectional game in our school's history. It's our 12th win of the season which smashes all previous records and we are moving on to the class B semifinals. Needless to say, we are a second half team as we have been trailing in all of our last three games (By two to HFL, by three to Brighton, and three to Aquinas) but have still managed to come out victorious. Of all things neccesary for a good lacrosse team I think the most important feature is to be able to bounce back from being down a few goals, and our team does that as good as anyone. We have McQuaid on Tuesday and we match up with them pretty well and it should be a really good game. Although we have already had a lot of success thus far, we are planning on playing more than one more game.

--The Yankees beat the Red Sox best two out of three and I think it's a glimpse of what's to come in the AL East. I sincerely hope the Yankees win the division because a) I'm a fan of the Yanks, and b) if they win Nathan and Tom have to wear jorts to school. The real deal jorts too. Frayed endings, high thigh length, the works. Tom never has worn jeans in his life so imagine everyone's surprise if he was to wear a pair of shorts he macromated from some denim. It would be like Christmas morning.

--Although my mind is telling me the Spurs are going to win the championship, my heart is with the Cavaliers. I have always been a big supporter of James and hate when he's compared to MJ negatively (How was MJ doing when he was 22 years old?). Above all else, I hate Tim Duncan and do not want to see him and and that Eastern European prick parade around on ESPN with the dumb ass trophy for three days then to have us all forget about them anyways.

--Now as we're on the subject of sports, I hope to god that the Ducks with the Stanley Cup. Firstly, because the fucking assholes from Uzbekhistan beat the Sabres and did it in five games. And secondly because JS Giguere should've won it a few years ago when he was voted MVP of the playoffs despite being on the losing team.

--Wiffle ball is my favorite thing to do

A Day in the Life of Paul Anzak PT III

This is a continuation of Eugene's blog. I am taking directly over from where he ended as we dabble into Paul's Saturday night out with the fellas.

3:00 p.m- Exhausted from 2 hours of eating and meandering around, Paul decides to hit the hay.
5:00 pm- Paul wakes up to his wife yelling at him and telling him to put clothes on. Paul tells her "SHUT YOU'RE FUCKIN' TRAP WENCH!!"
5:10 pm: Paul is clothed, but far from happy.
5:15 pm: Paul takes a bubble bath because he's hitting the bar with a few of his closest friends.
5:18 pm: Midway through his bath Paul gets out of the bath. Kills it. Resumes bathing.
5:29 pm- Paul sits on his lawn chair (conveniently placed in living room) and stares at wolf poster.
5:31 pm- Paul announces "I AM THE LONE WOLF!!" Wife should be confused but has grown used to this type of behavior.
5:49 pm- The Anzaks sit down to their shake 'n' bake dinner.
5:51 pm- Paul rips loud one. Wife gags. Paul laughs.
5:55 pm- Paul finishes his dinner so he reaches for his wife's plate who was still eating. Wife is stunned.
6:07 pm- Paul sneaks into neighbors apartment and steals leftover Chinese from the fridge.
6:27 pm- Paul is sporting his Canadian tuxedo but still manages to have a wolf on his shirt.
6:33 pm- Paul is howling at his picture of 8 Men Out like a wolf at the moon.
6:41 pm- As Paul is leaving he tells his wife to try not to "stink up the joint."
6:43 pm- Paul remembers that his '75 Chevy Celebrity is broken down. Angrily he kicks over a trash can.
6:44 pm- Sees a dollar bill next to kicked over trash can. Declares it's his lucky day.
6:58 pm- Paul farts loudly on the RTS bus and everybody notices it was him. Paul looks back and says "What's that smell."
7:09 pm- Paul exits the bus and walks towards "The Dugout," Paul's favorite bar.
7:12 pm- Taking a peak around the bar he quickly points out his few friends.
7:13 pm- Paul joins his friends - and fellow substitutes - Mr. Downs, Mr. Stolnick (commonly referred to as Lil' Flip because of his hair style), and Mr. Stache (the guy who subs for Taz's gym class with the mustache).
7:21 pm- Lil' Flip tells Anzak he should stop subbing and become an associate. Anzak tells him that he's going to rip his nuts out of his asshole and make him eat them.
7:38 pm- Stache tries to lay his mack down on a nearby lady. His pickup line....."Hey baby, what's the difference between an orange? A telephone poll, because snake's don't have armpits." Nearby female is stunned.
7:51 pm- Downs asks Anzak if he is going to 'Nam. Anzak kicks the senile old bastard in the shin and farts in his drink.
8:00 pm- Yankees/Tigers game comes on the TV at the bar.
8:06 pm- Stache fist pumps because a single to left by Damon. Paul gives Stache a wedgie and gives Downs a wet willy.
8:27 pm- Giambi homers to right. Paul throws a bowl of peanuts at Lil' Flip and farts loudly and downs Flip's drink.
8:38 pm- Stache goes back to same nearby female and says "Hey pretty thing, how tall is the Empire State Building, true of false?" As nearby female leaves for bathroom, Stache follows.
9:01 pm- Despite only being the bottom of the fourth, Yankees lead 8-0. Bartender goes to switch channel then Anzak says, "If that game goes off, I'm going to knock your lights out."
9:08 pm- Downs pisses his pants. Confused from wetness, he pulls out his umbrella.
9:14 pm- Flip his talking to a girl who is far too attractive for him. After the girl asks if he is a sub, he replies, "I'm not really a substitute. I am more of an associate. I sub for principals and high educational courses." Anzak yells from down the bar "YEAH LIKE THIRD GRADE ART YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE." Anzak laughs at his own joke.
9:27 pm- Paul heads to the bathroom. He finds every stall is occupied. With the churning in his rectum Paul decides to drop a deuce in the urinal.
9:37 pm- Downs enters the bathroom and starts to shit in the urinal next to Anzak.
9:51 pm- Stache is nearly arrested for harassment. Despite being his friend, Anzak pleads for his arrest. Anzak is an asshole.
10:11 pm- Bartender finally turns off the game as the score is 11-2.
10:15 pm- Noticing the game has been switched off, Paul leaps across the bar and delivers a strong right hook to the very undersized bartender.
10:38 pm- Police arrives at the bar and both Stache and Anzak are taken downtown.
11:12 pm- Flip and Downs bail out their friends. On the way out of the station Anzak says "Stache wanted to stay and take it in the ass." Laughs at his own joke again.
11:15 pm- While Flip is driving, Paul slaps him very hard on the back of the head that almost causes an accident.
11:16 pm- Stache tells Anzak that he's an asshole. Anzak is outraged. He jumps out of the moving vehicle and exclaims "FUCK YOU GUYS! I AM THE LONE WOLF!!!"
11:18 pm- Anzak howls at the moon
12:19 am- Anzak is brought home by the police. The officers explain to his wife that he was making obscene gestures, howling loudly, and defecating in streets and public areas.
12:41 am- Paul violently jerks off because "his wife is on the rag."
12:53 am- Paul crashes naked on the couch and tunes into his beloved "8 Men Out."
11:15 am- Paul wakes up to wife watching not 8 Men Out, and if it's not 8 Men Out then it doesn't matter.
11:29 am- Still naked Paul pisses on kitchen floor and tells wife to make him steak or he's gonna make it both smellier and darker.
11:39 am- Dog licks up Paul's urine and he doesn't stop their pet.
12:12 pm- Paul beats the bishop in the living room with his wife seven feet away. She just leaves the apartment. As she is closing the door Paul yells, "GOOD GET OUT! I AM THE LONE WOLF!! WOLVERINE AIN'T GOT SHIT ON ME!!" this last burst of exclamation forces some feces out and since he is naked it sits on his chair. Paul takes it all in stride.
12:59 pm- Paul puts on his Walkman and falls asleep to elevator music.

A Day In The Life Of Paul Anzak

First off, Paul Anzak is a substitute teacher. He is rarely seen subbing, but when he does pop up on the grid it's always a spectacle. He's one of the most entertaining people I have ever met and he's the most different person I have ever met. Few people know the real Anzak. To tell you a little bit about his character take this note. He actually spells his name differently on blackboards when he subs. So far I have seen Anzak and Antczak. Also, the man loves baseball, and wolves. All of his outfits have eiether been complimented with a wolf tie or a wolf sweater (This makes him an easy target for dances with wolves). Everyone who has been graced with this man's educational skills know that he's the real deal. But to give outsiders who haven't had the pleasure some insight as to what Anzak is really like I am writing this. This is very similar to the "Day in the Life of Doug Mirabelli" because I completely poached the idea. I feel this is the very best way to express my compassion for this man...

5:00 am- Paul gets a call on his landline from the East Irondequoit school district and they say he is substituting today.

5:02 am- Paul lets the big news sink in as he announces "This is going to be a good day." He quickly falls back asleep.

6:01 am- Paul wakes up and gets out of his twin sized bed naked.

6:05 am- Gets in his already filled bathtub still filled from last weeks bath.

6:19 am- Rips one in the water and laughs at the bubbles.

6:31 am- Walks about his one-bedroom apartment screaming to himself "WHERE THE FUCK IS MY WOLF TIE?!?!"

6:35 am- Commotion settles as he finds his tie in his box of Wegman's O's

6:41 am- Paul is ready to go. His shirt has a stain on it but he doesn't think anybody will know. Everybody will know.

6:42 am- He turns off his VHS of "8 Men Out" which runs at all times while he's home.

6:45 am- Finds his '75 Chevrolet Celebrity as he drives it from his homestead on Lyell Ave to the school.

7:03 am- Paul walks into the school looking ecstatic. He wasn't sure if he was going to get another shot here after breaking a projector two weeks ago.

7:06 am- After asking around he finds his room. Announces aloud (although by himself) that this room is for gays (It's Mrs. Geer's room).

7:16 am- Paul is becoming very bored waiting for class to start. He has settled in Geer's chair and has farted north of six times (laughing to himself after everyone)

7:30 am- Class fills up as everyone enters the room. Paul doesn't know it's an english class because of Geer's foreign language signs around the room.

7:37 am- After several minutes of the class talking to themselves Paul interupts with "Hey, shut the hell up!" Everyone is startled

7:38 am- Paul posts up on the chalk-board has he announced the assignment for the class. It's a vocab assignment, and Paul recognizes zero of the words on the list.

7:39 am- As Paul goes back to his chair the students notice chalk on his back from when he leaned on the chalk board: Nobody is compelled to tell him.

7:57 am- Class is quietly working as Paul completes his easy soduku. Feeling very accomplished he leans back and rips one. Whole class notices. He stares into the ceiling as the class watches their instructor in disbelief.

7:58 am- Paul laughs quietly about his fart from a minute ago.

8:19 am- A student in the class wants to go to the bathroom. Paul exclaims "Sit down! WHAT THE HELL 'S A MATTA WITH YA!!" Student returns to his desk as Paul smiles with satisfaction from authority.

8:35 am- Class ends as everyone disperses. Paul writes a negative report even though the class was well behaved just because he can.

8:40 am- After realizing he has a free block, Paul decides it's time for early brunch.

8:42 am- Paul dominates his steak sandwich, two-liter of Mountain Lightning, 3 bags of fritos, and 6 oreos.

8:51 am- Rips a loud one. Paul is disapointed nobody heard it.

9:10 am: Paul decides it's time for medium brunch as he bites into his ham and cheese sandwich, grilled cheese (cold), a fruit by the foot (he took from a kid at Charlotte last week), and 7 oreos.

9:12 am- Paul is satisfied

9:25 am-Paul is unsatisfied. Digs into late brunch.

9:34 am- Paul is able to finish his burrito, pizza, and beef jerky, but unable to consume his ice-cream sandwich intime for his next class.

9:35 am- Paul makes the class wait for him to finish his frozen treat before handing them their assignment. Class is astonished.

9:37 am- Paul finishes his food and hands out vocab assignment with chocolate all over his face.

9:41 am- A student in the back row asks if Paul if he is saving his ice cream for later. Paul replies with "Who the hell asked you you big faggot. Are you saving your sexuality for later you back seat sittin' bitch." Class is once again astonished.
9:59 am- Quietly farts and nobody notices. Grins from ear to ear and says quietly, but loud enough for the class to hear "You all suck...."
10:25 am- Paul's chair is getting very hot from being perched there all day. He makes a quick lap around the classroom trying to peek down girls shirts along the way.
10:32 am- Paul gets another free block. He decides to use it wisely.
10:33 am- Paul enters teachers restroom. Plants down and announces to anyone listening that "Pearl Harbor was a fucking joke compared to what's about to happen."
11:29 am- Paul finishes killing it just intime for next class. Faculty bathroom will never be the same.
11:45 am- Tells entire class to go to hell. A student asks him what he said and Paul replies "I said go to the library." He is glowing from being so spontaneous.
11:57 am- Entire class comes back from library as the class was not scheduled. Paul tells class "YOU WOULD'VE GOTTEN IN IF YOU WOULD JUST SHUT THE HELL UP!"
12:22 pm- Class is finishing work quietly and he feels the need to interupt with, "I am the wolf! All of you are my prey!" At this time, only four people are actually listening to him.
12:27 pm: With two minutes until the next class Paul has to kill it again.
1:19 pm- Paul exits faculty bathroom (he drew boobs and a penis on the stall)
1:21 pm- Enters class with looks from everyone. As he walks to the desk he tells a Puerto Rican that he's smelled better cologne on a baby lamb's ass. The alleged Puerto Rican was actually Turkish.
1:40 pm- With no class and having eaten all of his food packed today Paul passes out on teacher's desk.
2:25 pm- Bell wakes Anzak as looks up and realized he had a class. Student asks him if he had a rough night last night. Paul replies "Shut up! I had a dream that you weren't a faggot!"
2:30 pm- Before heading home Paul kills it for the third time today in the teachers shitter.
3:59 pm- Begins his trip home after a solid session.
4:22 pm- Paul finds out somebody broke into his house. Lucky for him, he has nothing nobody would want.
4:29 pm-Gets naked and falls asleep to 8 Men Out on VHS
8:51 pm- Wakes up to a fuzzy tv screen. Switches input and throws everything he can find at the TV as "Rookie of the Year" is on channell 31.
9:15 pm-Paul goes to typewriter to work on novel that correlates US history with baseball. After seven years of hard work Paul is up to six and a half sentences. No word over eight letters long. No sentence without a wolf reference; yet.
10:21 pm- Goes to apartment building bathroom because his "is on the fritz."
11:55 pm- Rides up and down the elevators for six extra trips because he loves elevator music.
11:59 pm- After killing it and dominating fourteen grilled cheese sandwiches Paul farts four times and passes out on the floor.
Sleep- Paul is dreaming of being rich and sitting on a beach in Mexico where he tells everyone to fuck off. Paul feels great to be able to use the "f" word because in a school he primarily sticks to the H-E double hockey sticks. Paul hates Mexicans, but loves to tell them to fuck off.

Harry Potter!

This recently released Harry Potter trailer got me all excited. The Order of the Pheonix was the book that I most wanted to see as a movie because of all the action that is much easier to display via big screen opposed to imagination and visualization. This movie is going to rule! Almost as much as Tom L. Rulez! I can't wait to see how Snape's character is portrayed now that we know what's really going on. Even in the fourth movie Snape seems much more mysterious and dangerous than the past ones. Maybe the most exciting feature of the newest film is Emma Watson even older. Hottie. I know that roughly 85% of my readers are Harry Potter Fans (Shane, Dan, Nathan, and Sisson to name a few), and if you're not, enjoy the trailer regardless...