"Haha, I got yo ass!"

Found this article on College humor, and found it mildly amusing. Enjoy.


The Anatomy of a Shitty Party
Not every party at college can be a sick rager where all the dudes get laid and half the girls get pregnant, some have to suck for the sake of comparison. How would you know a great party if you never attended a shitty one? The answer is you wouldn’t. However that is not a problem you’ll ever have to worry about because awful parties are as common in college as people lying about who they slept with last weekend. To find out whether the party you’re attending is going to be an embarrassment for years to come, look out for the following signs:



1. Music Nobody Knows: Great, I get to listen to some shitty “indie” band all night. Oh, they’re “underground,” why didn’t you say so? Now, are they called that because they have refused major label attention or because their only shows so far have been in their parents’ basements? People want music they can sing along to, dance to and fingerblast bitches on the futon to, not your second cousin’s alt-punk all-instrumental folk rock. And I don’t care if they got second place in a battle of the high school bands; that was seven years ago. Pathetic.

2. The Host’s High School Friends: Nothing makes a party uncomfortable quicker than a couple of weirdoes standing alone in a corner, laughing at inside jokes and trying not to talk to anyone else. Those weirdoes are also known as the host’s friends from high school. If you do manage to talk to one of them the conversation will generally be about how much different your mutual friend is when he’s at college. You wish you could just smack this kid in the face and say “Listen buddy, I don’t even like your friend. I’m only at his party to get some free booze, steal some DVDs and get a game or two of beer pong in. I really don’t care if he used to like comic books in third grade or the once he farted in a jar and made you smell it. Stop talking to me, I’m trying to figure out if his laptop will fit in my jacket and you’re distracting me.” But instead of saying that you’ll politely listen to his boring stories about your mutual friend and all the “crazy shenanigans” they used to get up to in high school. Goodbye fun night, hello “killer” stories about sneaking into the mini golf place on the weekends.

3. Cans Of Beer…And Nothing Else: What a great idea. Instead of buying one relatively cheap gigantic can of beer that can serve hundreds – otherwise known as a keg - you’ve bought 60 small cans of beer that can serve 60 miserable people or two very happy people. Genius. And who needs an alternate, fast-acting beverage like jungle juice when you have warm cans of beer? Instead of providing you with a choice of alcohol with which to forget your first name, these gracious hosts have taken all the work out of it for you: you’ll drink Natty Light, and only Natty Light. Maybe you’ll even be the lucky one selected to “run to the store and grab a few more thirty racks” an hour into the party? A boy can dream, can’t he?

4. Your Girlfriend: “Why are you talking to that slut?” she’ll be saying all night. “That girl is looking at you.” So what? People look at each other, that’s what they do, you coldhearted wench. There’s no quicker way to ruin a party than dragging the old ball-n-chain in with you. Your friends will immediately deflate because tonight you have to be Steve, not Somebody-hold-my-legs-while-I-do-a-vodka-stand-Steve and they’ll avoid you so they don’t have to talk to the woman who stole their friend away. Plus, you’ll have to be very careful what you do and say for the entire night. “I don’t care if she’s your sister and is visiting for the weekend,” she’ll shriek, “I don’t like you talking to other girls.” Women: can’t live with them, can’t get any from them unless you do. Drag.

5. Bright Lights: I have a great idea. Let’s get a bunch of people together, feed them alcohol till they’re hornier than a prison inmate, put them in a small room together and…turn on a bunch of lights? As the old saying goes: Bright Lights Ruin Nights, and that’s never truer than at a college party. Nobody actually wants to see who they’re sucking tongue with, at least not until the next morning that is, and sometimes not even then. And since parties are essentially about swapping spit with people you barely know, a bright light is the quickest way to ensure that that does not happen. Here’s what will happen however: you’re moving in for a kiss with some drunken girl you met ten minutes ago when you notice that she has a little mustache gracing her upper lip. Not too bad, but she could have at least bleached it. Oh well, you continue in for your kiss. But wait, is that a cold sore below her nose? Oh man, and a stray chin hair? Yup. Christ, I think she’s got a zit ready to be popped right on the end of her nose? Oh man, I think she might have pink eye too. You see? Of course you do, the light is on.

NFL Picks

Doing my last regular season picks for the NFL

New York Giants over Washington
Despite most of the G-Men's players being whiney little bitches, I do believe they will pull through with a win, get a wildcard birth, and make something happen in the wide-open NFC playoffs. Redskins had a down year, but Campbell showed the ability to play at the proffessional level, and if Clinton Portis can stay healthy, they should probably be tough next year.

Cincinnati over Pittsburgh
The defending Super-Bowl champs had a down year, but so did the Cincinattica Bungals. With players getting arrested left and right, is it really a big surprise this team underachieved all year long? I expected Pittsburgh to much better, but Troy Polamula didn't play half as well as he did a year ago, and clearly Big Ben was shaken up due to his offseason incidents. Both these teams will more than likely find much more success in 2007 compared to 2006.

Dallas over Detroit
Dallas needs to win this game in order to have a chance at winning the NFC East and earning a home playoff game. Lucky for them, they are playing the shitty shitty bang bang Lions and should be able to pull one out. Count on Terrell Owens to have seven catches, 84 yards, and one touchdown.

Tennessee over New England
Despite common sense, I am going against Tom Brady, and with Vince Young. In front of the home Tennessee crowd, and with a shot at the playoffs on the line, I expect the Titans to do all they can to win it. Plus, Vince Young is unbelievable, and I don't think even the all-might Bill Billichieck can formulate a plan to contain him.

Kansas City over Jacksonville
Arrowhead Stadium is one of, if not the, toughest places to play in the NFL. Especially in December. In the last 5 years, the Chiefs have lost one December home game, and it was this year to the juggernaut San Diego Super Chargers. Larry Johnson is a man child, and he will personally enjoy knocking the Jacksonville Faguars out of playoff contention.

St. Louis over Minnesota
This one should be a real shitfest. Minnesota, despite their record, is the worst team in the NFL. They have absolutely no talent, on either side of the ball. Stephen Jackson will run all over them, as will Marc Bulger, Torry Holt, and Isaac Bruce. The greatest show on turf will be rejuvinated, but only for this week. They should have held onto Azahir Hakim.

New Orleans over Carolina
Carolina has been decimated with injuries, which is very unfortunate because they are a pretty solid football club. New Orleans is a very explosive team, and even tougher at home where they are averaging 34.8 ppg (completely made up that stat). Reggie Bush is fantastic, Sean Payton should be coach of the year, and Drew Brees should be the Runner up in the MVP voting. Yay New Orleans. By the way, if one team has to win the super bowl and its not the Broncos, this year I am rooting for the Saints.

New York Jets over Oakland
If the New York Jets could squeak out a win over the chitty chitty bang bang Oakland Raiders they could get in the playoffs. Obviously it's clear to see that I do believe they are going to win and then get bounced in the first round of the playoffs against the Colts. Sucks for them right. Eric Mangini deserves a lot of Coach of the Year consideration, but Payton deserves it more. Yay Nawleans!

Seattle over Tampa Bay
With the division locked up and no possible chance of a bye I anticipate that the Seahawks are going to take it relatively easy on Sunday. That said, I still believe that Seneca Wallace and Maurice Morris (Mo-Mo) will defeat the Bucs.

Houston over Cleveland
Greg Kubiak is a spectacular coach, and I wish the Broncos still had him as offensive coordinator. After a big win last week against the Indianapolis Colts I expect them to keep the momentum rolling against fellow chitty chitty bang bang Cleveland Browns. This game, like the one mentioned above, should be a real shitfest that nobody should watch unless they lost a bet, or are a devout fan of one of the teams. And since chitty chitty's don't have devout fans, the latter statement is impossible.

Denver over san Francisco
God if we don't win we don't deserve to go to the playoffs....

Indianapolis over Miami
I'm getting bored, so I don't know. Manning is good and stuff. Yay capitalism!


Sorry, but my short attention span has kicked in. I personally apologize Nathan, but I'm going to go play Madden. Here are my picks for the rest of the games...


Atlanta over Philadelphia
Arizona over San Diego (Just fuckin' with ya,)
Balitmore over Buffalo
Chicago over Green Bay

Spontaneous

--Firstly, I apologize for my blog apathy of late. For some godawful reason, I have been somewhat busy lately and whereas Hoodwinked is normally high on Matt's priority list, it has somewhat fallen substantially for the past two weeks. But now that the holidays are over, I don't have school, lacrosse doesn't pick up for a while, and there isn't enough snow to enjoy snowboarding, I will end up devoting 78% of my time to this, as unfortunate as it is for a person to have that little of a life, it still remains the truth.


--Five weeks ago, I said the Broncos were going to 9-7 and miss out on the playoffs. While that is still a definite possibility, they probably will make the playoffs. With Jay Cutler, you are guarteed at least one mistake per game, which is expected at this age. But with Cutler you can also guarantee three-four shots downfield which can end up in big games. This is the reason Shanahan went with Cutler over Plummer. With Plummer you're guaranteed three-four mistakes per game, and no shots downfield because he can't throw that far. Cutler is going to be one hell of a quarterback. Plus, if Denver wins next week they will be the four seed which would send them to New England where the Broncos beat Tom Brady and the Pats earlier this season. Shanahan has had Billichiek's number for the past three seasons (Denver is 4-0 against them), and I think they are the team that Denver has the best chance of defeating.


--Despite the Bills missing postseason play for the seventh straight season, there was significant progress made this season for the Billy's. Losman has looked halfway decent at times (I still maintain they need to stray away from him), and their young defense has had their moments. Although I think they are much better than year's past, I don't think they are going to make the playoffs in the coming years. The AFC is just too tough with three-four quality teams per division whereas the Bills won't be able to jump the Patriots in the division nor either the , Ravens, Bengals, Jaguars, Titans, Broncos, Chiefs, Steelers, Chargers, Colts, or Jets, in the next few years for the wildcard.


--Vince Young is unbelievable. I thought for sure that he would be the worst amongst the three rookie quarterbacks taken in this year's first roud, but I was dead wrong. He is one of a kind, and can score on any given play from any given distance. Even Michael Vick didn't posses the pure running ability of Vince Young. The crazy thing about him though, he has improved significantly over the past six weeks as a passer. If he ever can pass as good as he can run, then he might go down as one of the best ever. That team in Tennessee is young, and not very talented. Not eight win worthy, but he elevates the play of everyone around him. It's a lot like when he was in Texas. He is on a team with a solid core of players, but he stands out like Eugene wearing a fluorescent orange shirt on the dance days in gym class. He's fantastic. Four weeks ago when the Titans were on a non-important, non-playoff influential three game winstreak somebody asked me, I think it was Josh Valleta, "How many championships do you think the Titans will win with Vince Young?" I replied with a smirk, laugh, and a resounding, "none." Mainly because they won't ever win the division as long as Manning is a Colt. But Manning can't play forever, and there is a seven or eight year difference between Manning and Young. Once Manning is gone, and if the Titans keep building and getting better, and they hold on to Vince Young, then I don't doubt they could win at least one.


--Christmas was fantastic. Pretty standard. Although I do wish that I was younger and still possessed the belief in Santa Claus because I recall that waking up on Christmas morning was always my favorite moment of the year when I was a youngster. I miss those days.

Best Running Backs Ever

With LDT breaking touchdown records left and right, I felt it appropriate to go ahead and write about the three best running backs ever to grace the NFL with their talents. Many say this is arguable, and I suppose it is, but I am almost certain that everyone would agree upon these three backs as the top three. Although Shane will argue for Thurman Thomas, and Nathan will argue for Edgerrin James, they are both far off this list.

3) Walter Payton
For an extended period of time, this Chicago Bear was the all-time leader in rushing yards. Although he no longer has as many yards as Emmit Smith, I think it's safe to say that everybody agrees Payton was a much better back. An all-around great player. He is amongst only three players in NFL history to throw for a touchdown, run for a touchdown, and catch a touchdown in the same game (along with David Patten, formerly of the New England Patriots, and Ladanian Tomlinson of the San Diego Chargers). He won the 1977 NFL MVP award has he cruised past the 1000 yard mark for the third time in his young career. That same year he also captured the Pro Bowl MVP. Understood, Pro Bowl MVP isn't that significant of an award, it still remains Mark Brunnell's greatest achievement. He was a member of what is said to be one of, if not, the greatest team in NFL history. The coach of that team, Ditka, has publicaly said that they wouldn't have won the Super Bowl without him (He said so last Sunday on ESPN's NFL countdown when they were discussing the greatest running backs. It actually inspired this article). The best player, on arguably the best team in history solidifies his place amongst the league's elite.

2) Jim Brown
Holds the record for most yards per carry. Really, that is an underappreciated record, because I'd rather have a guy that could pound out a little over five yards a carry opposed to somebody who hangs around the league long enough to break Payton's record (See: Emmit Smith). Brown recieved rookie of the year honors during his innaugural season in 1957. In his short, but incredible nine-year career, he didn't miss a single game. In this day and age, that would be unheard of for a running back. He was a complete back who could catch, block, and even run-back kicks. Hell, he was even an All-American lacrosse player, and god knows I love lacrosse. Unfortunately he retired at a young age in pursuit of another career. He skipped the Cleveland Browns training camp in the summer of 1966 when he was acting in The Dirty Dozen. The Brown's owner at the time, Art Modell, threatened Brown, and it backfired big time. The superstar running back pretty much told him to fuck off and he retired before the 1966 season. When he retired he held pretty much every major record, and had only played nine years. Had he played for as long as some aging liberal hippy douches, then his records might only have been touched by our number one guy.




If that wasn't a great transition sentence, then I don't know what is....



1) Barry Sanders
Won the Heisman trophy in 1988 with the Oklahoma State Cowboys. He went on and played his entire NFL career with the downtrodden Detroit Lions. He single handedly carried that team during his entire career there. The front-office in Detroit wasn't as bad as it is now (Matt Millen probably would have traded Sanders for a deck of uno cards, thr Animal House: Double Secret Probation DVD, and a 3D puzzle of the Empire State Building). Throughout his tenure, their front-office failed to give Sanders, an adequate quarterback, offensive live, defense, wide-recievers, or anything else. This is what makes him so special. He thrived on one of the worst teams in the leauge year in and year out. In 1997 he ran for over 2000 yards, becoming only the third person (up to that point) to do so. He led the Lions to the playoffs in 1991, and they defeated the Dallas Cowboys in their only playoff victory throughout their history. Althought that would be the farthest he would get with the Lions. In my humble opinion he is extremely underrated. He ran for over 2000 yards, and still only got Co-MVP mostly because of his sub-par squad. Sanders, like Brown retired relatively early for how much success he was having. He, along with Jim Brown, are the only two players amongst the league's all-time 100 leading rushers with an average over 5 yards a carry. He still has the highest yards per game, as well as the highest yards per season as any player in NFL history. He was on pace to shatter Payton's record. He was on pace to break the age-old record if he would have just played one more year. His balance and vision has been unmatched, and I doubt we will ever see another Barry Sanders for a very long time.



Honorable Mention: Emmit Smith, Franco Harris, Marcus Allen, Erik Dickerson, Terrell Davis, Curtis Martin, Tony Dorsett, Larry Csonka, Marshall Faulk, and Ladanian Tomlinson.


also keep an eye on: Reggie Bush, Adrian Peterson, Darren McFadden, and Noel Devine

The Two Best Commercials Of All Time.....

....Kinda

These are two Powerade commercials. I loved both of them.




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