"MY ANKLES!"


Am I a bad person because I think this is funny?

Fuck 'Em.



This blog entry is devoted to the shitheads in New England. Seriously, has there ever been one area in the country that has dominated so throughly in ever single sport? It absolutely sucks on all cylinders. No city has been this outstanding since 2004 when Boston won the super bowl, the world series and both college basketball championships. I think this year is even worse though (worse if you're not a fan of these teams)


*Note I wrote this before the Virgina Tech-Boston College game*

Let's kick this shit off with the grandaddy of them all. The New England fucking Patriots are unbe-fuckin-lievable. No NFL team has ever started as hot as they have this season. They have been so far ahead of everyone else in the league that fans have given up on rooting for their favorite teams and started rooting for their fantasy teams first and foremost. As if winning three super bowls in four years wasn't enough. Selfish New Englanders. They were so appalled with loss in the conference finals last year that they had to go out and improve so much that nobody else would even have a chance. Signing Adalius Thomas away from the Ravens and then acquring Randy Moss, and Wes Welker for some shitty draft picks was just unfair. Goodell should have stepped in and just said, "You guys just signed Donte Stallworth. You can't have both of these guys. I'll suspend them anyways. Pick one either Moss or Welker."

Well they ended up with them both and as predicited they have been unstoppable. Brady is well on pace for 50 touchdowns this season and after that he will have absolutely everything over Manning. More super bowls, touchdown record, more super models impregnated, you name it. The worst thing of all is the whole spy gate scandal. As if every other team in the NFL wasn't doing it anyways. But fucking Mangini sticks it to 'em hard and as a result.... The Patriots are fined $750,000, Billichiek gets an extension (signed in that same week), and lastly now they are so pissed about everyone calling them cheaters they go and just blow out everyone they play. They were up by like seventeen and the back up quarterback threw an interception. So they send out Brady again and he goes on to throw his sixth touchdown of the game.

Their closest game all year came when they were in the dog pound... They won by 17! That was their closest game! Every week the question isn't if they are going to win, but if they will win by more than thirty. I think the NFL is better off awarding them the Lombardi trophy now and then they can just cancel them out for the rest of the season. Otherwise, real fans have nothing to cheer for.

Also, after years of being the silent golden boy who everyone was supposed to emulate, Tom Brady has spoken out. Not only did he spend his offseason time knocking up girls to hot for me to jerk to, but he's not afraid to tell it how it is in his post game interviews. In an interview after the Jets blowout (notice how when somebody mentions a Patriots game they say blowout because game or competition just wouldn't be an accurate statement) he was laughing at the Jets fans chanting clearly in the background "You suck Brady!" He couldn't keep back a smile as he said "Yeah I'm really terrible... The score was 38-14 so I can understand why they're mad." After their week 2 dismantling of the Super Chargers (same week as spygate scandal) he said, "Who wouldn't hate us? We've been the best team in the league for almost six years now."

Robert Kraft (who looks ridiculously like Bill Shatner) had no problem at all giving Bilichiek the big extension after the scandal. But who wouldn't? He's one of the best coaches of all time, and one could argue his best days are still ahead of him. So now we get to watch the invulnerable Patriots cruise to their 19-0 record as everbody outside the New England area hopes for an injury to Brady's throwing shoulder. Fuck 'em!



Boston College. Almost like Syracuse, but better, Boston college is competitive in a number of different sports, but they should never be in the top five of anything football related. They have reached their highest rankings since 1947 as everyone else in the country has really sucked. I don't believe they will be there by season's end, but hey....They are from Bawston so they will probably win the championship. Fuck 'em!


Red Sox. The Sox are well on their way to their second title in three years. Much like the dream team from 2004, this squad will probably sweep the much weaker Rockies. The Sox are just way too powerful for their NL counterpart. I'm rooting for the Rockies but that's probably not going to work because things that I root for don't usually happen (so I'm going to try to reverse it....I don't want Mattingly to be named manager, and I am openly rooting for Mike Hart to win the heisman). Lord knows I can't wait to see the next river dance from Sox closer and part-time gay porn actor J-pApZzZ. Shithead. The worst part of all is all the shit I get to hear from 60% of my readers (that includes Nathan for some reason despite the fact he hasn't openly admitted that he likes the Red Sox). It's going to be a long winter...
Fuck 'em!


You'd think that would be it didn't you? As if baseball, college and professional football wasn't enough... they had to go out and get Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen to make the Celtics the team to beat in the east. You don't even hear about it in the media because that area is so Patriots/Sox crazy right now, but they had one of the best off-seasons in recent basketball history. They got two dynamic players from the western conference. This is like bumping down from varsity to JV, or from playing video games to cheerleading. Either or, it's a significant drop-off. I hate the Boston area, and with good reason too. Fuck' em!


Don't sleep on the Bruins either!


Fuck 'Em all!

"MASH MASH MASH!!"

In the spirit of Halloween.....

Topsy Turvy!!


The NFL has been whacky this far. With the Packers leading the NFC North, the Saints sliding at 0-4, and the Chargers floundering with a 2-3 record I just don't know what to believe. A few things are obvious though... The Patriots are amazing, Antonio Gates is amazing, and Norv Turner is an awful coach. I'll try to do a power rankings, but as of next Tuesday it will probably look just as bad as my pre-season picks.


1) New England Patriots
Although there is three undefeated teams left, the Pats are obviously the class of the NFL through five weeks. Brady is the best quarterback so far, and Moss is the best receiver so far. Their biggest scare came this Sunday when they (OH NO!) didn't win by 20. They only managed to beat the Browns by 17. Must be nice dude.

2) Indianapolis Colts
As clear as the Patriots are number one, the Colts are number two. They haven't been as dominant as their AFC east counterpart, but equally efficient as they too have cruised to a 5-0 record. Good thing Manning got the monkey off his back last year, because I don't see the Colts getting the best of Brady and Billichieck this season.

3) Pittsburgh Steelers
Obviously a big percentage of my readers (John) will be disappointed to see the Cowboys on the outside looking in on the top three, but I think the Steelers are a much better ball club. A huge plus goes to Steel town as Mike Tomlin is already arguably the greatest coach in NFL history. If anyone beats the Patriots in the playoffs I think it will be this team, not the boys from Indy.

4) Dallas Cowboys
Despite the fact that they're 5-0 I drop them below the Steelers after they stole a win from the Billys on Monday. Romo played like absolute balls against the most under-manned defense in the league. I don't think the Boys from Big D will be undefeated after this week, but they are still the class of the NFC...if that means anything

5) Jacksonville Jaguars
This is where there is a huge drop-off in the NFL. After the big four there are several teams fighting for this last top-five spot. Lohmy wants the Pack-attack but if they squared off today I think the Jaguars would prevail because they have more J's in their name.

6) Green Bay Packers
Favre is playing the fourth best quarterback of all-time..and that's where he's going to stay if he continues throwing mad picks like he did against Chicago on Sunday. He's having a great season and I hope it doesn't turn around to the onne he had two years ago (although I kind of do hope he has that type of season. Who didn't like an old Favre scrambling outside of the pocket then airing it out sixty-eight yards to a safety waiting for it like he's returning a punt).

7) Tennessee Titans
Madden Curse? Nope! or not yet at least. Although Vince Young has had anything but a productive statistical season he has led his ball club to a 3-1 start. Let's hope he's the one to break the curse, god knows another former madden cover boy (and african-american quarterback) has had enough cursage this year for everyone else. Lendale White is a big boy.

8)Baltimore Ravens
The Ravnes are 3-2 and look much like everybody anticipated they would. Willis is grinding out his 2.9 yards a carry as Air McNair is doing just enough to get by. Ed Reed is also quickly turning into one of the league's premier return men. Daaa U!!

9) Washington Redskins
Speaking of Daaa U!! Sean Taylor, Clinton Ports, and Santana Moss have led the Skins to their first 3-1 start since 1999 (I made that stat up but am pretty positive that nobody would stop to read the Redskins blurb in this pretty sizeable post) This last note actually makes me ponder why I waste my time writing all this shit. Let's see if anyone can find how much effort I really didn't put into this because it will look long, but for most of the teams from here on out I won't write anything significant.

10) Seattle Seahawks
I think it is obvious that Shaun Alexander is doing just fine and there has been no Madden re-curse for him like other superstars McNabb, Faulk, Caulpepper, George, and Vick. That's enough for the Seahawks, because honestly nobody will see this.

11) San Diego Chargers
It kills me to see it because Norv Turner doesn't deserve to win. I suppose there might just be too much talent on this team that he can't blow every game. But you can blow me because I know that nobody's reading this blurb as well. I hope Don Mattingly is named new manager for the Yanks.

12) Tampa Bay Bucaneers
If the Bucs are going to be playoff contenders in the second half, they must find a solution (re: trade) to their RB injury woes. Names being mentioned by the Tampa Bay media: Vikings' Mewelde Moore, Chargers' Michael Turner, Broncos' Mike Bell. I just copied the ESPN power rankings word for word and am pretty confident nobody will notice.

I'm getting bored, here are the rest of the rankings...

13) Houston Texans
14) New York Giants
15) Arizona Cardinals
16) Buffalo Bills
17) Chicago Bears
18) Carolina Panthers
19) Detroit Lions
20) Denver Broncos
21) San Francisco 49ers
22) Oakland Raiders
23) Kansas City Chiefs
24) Cincinnati Bengals
25) Cleveland Browns
26) Philadelphia Eagles
27) New York Jets
28) Minnesota Vikings
29) New Orleans Saints
30) Atlanta Falcons
31) St. Louis Rams
32) Miami Dolphins



Tom
L
Rulez

Fantasy Picks!!

Fucking Carson and His Bye Week!!!

This fantasy week has some great matchups like McLovin' facing off against the Wolf Pac, and that's pretty much it.



Eugers over Purpe Cobras
I get it, this has been the worst two week stretch for a sports fan. Kick an ol' mule while she's down. Because I have nothing left in the tank to even try to root for my fantasy team (I have to muster up enough excitement as our 31st ranked run defense squares off agaisnt LT....Yeah oon fuccked yeah). I have accepted it. Henry's facing a year's suspension, and the underachieving Stephen Jackson is still hurt, I got nothin'.



Hell's Satans over Little Giants
Shane is projected to win 98-41. Although I think it will prove to be a little closer than 57 points, I don't think the Little Giants have a chance. We're at that point in the season where Lohmes needs Spike Hammersmith to join his squad and start dominating, then he trades him because of bad team chemisrty to Nathan who'll accept anyone despite morale troubles. Then after they find that they are meeting in the Super Bowl the Little Giants will play inspired football and slay the mighty Wolf Pac! Spike don't play with girls!!



Stud'sMuffins over Rabid Wolverines
I'm still bitter about last week......



Wolf Pac over McLovin'
Although Mclovin' is projected 106-95 I just don't see it happening. I obviously have no way at all to judge who's going to win, but my gut feeling says that McLovin' will fall and our league's top three will all be settled at the 5-1 mark. This should be one of the most exciting fantasy contests in recent history.

I've Hit Rock Bottom and I've Hit the Sharpest Rock


--It was a rough weekend as a sports fan for me. Yankees lost the division which means I will be sporting a pair of jorts this Thursday. This will be undoubtedly one of the most embarrassing days of my life and I am not looking forward to it at all. On eighties day we looked like complete jackasses, but it was with more people on a designated day. It's not like this coming Thursday is jort's day. Outside of like eight people, nobody at Eastridge will see it coming and I will be catching a lot of laughs and stares throughout the day. My only hope is that the Yankees go on to win the World Series, because then and only then will the jorts be worth it.

Speaking of which I am extremely confident going into the post season. We completely owned the Indians this year and amongst all of the division winners they are definitely who we stack up with the best (above all else, the Angels own us, and the Sox were probably the best team this season). It should be an exciting month of ahheehhh beeeiissssbboooollll


--Continuing on about my rough weekend, the Florida Gators fell. Two years in a row the Fuckin' Auburn squad has defeated the Gators, and both times it was a close game. Although LSU has a lot of momentum and a lot of talent I am not worried. Well, I should say I am not that worried. Clearly USC and LSU are the two best teams in the country, but an upset this week will set up an SEC championship match that could ultimately decide who goes to the national championship game. While my head tells me that LSU is going to stomp the Gators my heart says Tebow will carry us to the promise land. In Tebow we trust.

--Moving on, my fantasy team also lost this week. Not only did I lose, but I lost to John. I thought he mailed it in and was just going to give up the twenty dollars. Then he feels the need to go out and outscore the entire league the week I play them. That's just not fair. I find myself at a disappointing 1-3 thus far, but there's a lot of (fantasy) football left to play. I have lost a lot of close contests and Stephen Jackson should be coming back soon. Don't sleep on the Cobras. Although Nathan, Sulli, and Josh are amongst the league's best as of now, I don't think anybody's team is substantially better than anyone elses. Anything can happen, hell...even Euge can win

--Watch out for Carson

--When the Broncos fell to the hands of the Colts yesterday it was the first time in a long time that I realized the Broncos aren't that good. On paper (translates to "in Madden") they're amazing. But in real life we can't stop the run to save our lives. It is disgustinly apparent how badly we miss former middle linebacker Al Wilson who used to shut down the run. DJ Williams is as good as they come, but when he switched to the MLB he has become much less significant in the cover schemes and gets sucked into runs off tackle. We have one of the best pass defenses in the league, but the worst run defense in the league. Offensively, Cutler is playing about as well as anyone could really have expected him to pay. Henry's numbers are awesome, but I would definitely like to see him score a little more. Although each game thus far has been scary and saddening for Broncos fans everywhere we still sit at a 2-2 and atop of the AFC West (thank you Norv Turner). The Chargers come to town this Sunday and I believe whoever wins this AFC west battle will go on to win the division.

--Trent Edwards thoroughly impressed everyone and myself in his debut on Sunday. It was a weird feeling seeing a Bill's quarterback drop back, step up in the pocket, and deliver a pass to an open reciever for a first down. Losman would scramble around and get sacked/fumble/throw a riduculous interception/get lucky enough to have Lee Evans make an adjustment to go get his pass. It seems the media is really pro-Edwards as well. During the game the CBS announcers frequently said comments like "Edwards is the real deal," and "Edwards is here to stay." Also Losman was ripped apart in several different articles in today's Democrat and Chronicle. There was literally a page and a half devoted to how awesome Edwards was and how terrible/burnt-out Losman was. Jauron was quick to say after the game that "nobody's position is ever set in stone," and that "every position is always up for grabs." I think we may have seen the last of Jonathon Paul-Losman, and for Bills fans, that's probably a good thing too. Of course we'll probably see him on a 2011 Miami Dolphins team... or in Canada with Ricky Williams. Either one is a good thing for Buffalo