A Day In the Life of JP Losman
This is a simulation of a day for Jonathon Paul Losman. For fun, we'll fast forward a few weeks to the season opener....
8:49 am- Wakes up in his king sized water bed completely naked aside from a pair of rainbow socks
8:55 am- Smokes a bowl
9:02 am- Goes to his neighbors house and has sex with his eighteen year old daughter, very loudly
9:14 am- Smokes a bong
9:18 am- Puts on Sunday NFL countdown and watches (still high) all the analysts pick Buffalo to lose their season opener
9:22 am- All the guys on CBS countdown predict the same thing
9:29 am- Of all the pregame shows, only Terry Bradshaw predicts the Bills to upset the Broncos
9:39 am- Starts his trip to the Ralph with a stop to his dealer along the way
10:02 am- After smoking a twenty bag (by himself) and downing three sausage MacMuffins, he arrives at the Ralph
10:23 am- Man at locker room door yelling at J-to-the-P about being an hour late. Because Losman is so stoned he doesn't even realize this little man is Dick Jauron
10:34 am- Asks Lee Evans if he wants to smoke. Evans is stunned. Gametime in less than three hours.
10:41 am- Takes a pregame shower (only guy in there) to show off his sub-par sized, but well tamed package
10:53 am- Tells Moorman and Lindell he has a secret to tell them. As they approach, JP smashes their heads together and spits at them as they fall to the floor.
11:04 am- Chest bumps Marshawn Lynch
11:13 am- Leaves locker room to toke up for fourth time today
11:25 am- Craig Knoll sees Losman smoking. JP announces, "You wanna start bro?" Knoll begins to smile, and then JP says, "Then start smoking..." and he throws his burnt joint at Knoll's face. Craiggy goes to tears. Losman is happy for first time today.
11:38 am- Losman enters woman's room in stadium to take a shit because the ladies' rooms are cleaner
11:51 am- Despite the fact that JP is supposed to be at a meeting, he finds himself entering the Jills' locker room and ends up having a three some with two ebony chicks and a hot blonde
12:32 pm- Losman finally returns to locker room and gives Jauron the finger as he starts to yell at him.
12:53 pm- Arrives on field with seven minutes until kick-off. Didn't watch film, or even warm-up.
12:57 pm- Walks onto the middle of the field for coin toss. Sticks his hands down his pants, and then shakes everybody's hands
12:58 pm- Bills win the toss but to everybody's surprise JP interupted Donte Whitner and announced they didn't want the ball. Without saying another word or shaking anyone elses hands, JP trots to the bench and grabs some gatorade.
1:07 pm- Jay Cutler completes a twenty-five yard pass to Javon Walker who runs out of bounds near JP. Losman yells "Hey Walker. Nice Calves." Walker is stunned.
1:14 pm- Broncos drive ends in field goal. Losman is still far from ready to play.
1:23 pm- McGee returns kick to the thirty-one. Losman walks lazily onto the field with both hands elbow deep in his jock
1:24 PM- Audibles first play to a run so he doesn't have to throw. Lynch is stopped in the backfield for a big loss.
1:27 pm- Completes first pass on third and 13 to Lee Evans over the middle. Losman drops to knees and starts to point to the sky in triumph.
1:28 pm- Losman feeling great from the first down last play is feeling lucky. He thinks Evans is is running a go route. Evans is running a curl route. Losman hurls the ball into no-mans land and Nick "Papa" Ferguson easily picks it off.
1:29 pm- Losman pulls his grundle at Jauron who looks at his young quarterback in disbelief.
1:37 pm- Broncos end drive with sixteen yard touchdown pass to Rod Smith. Anthony Thomas tells Losman that Cutler is way better than him. Losman responds with "I still make thirty more million than you do, so hop off my shit." Then when the A-Train isn't looking, JP flips him the bird
1:46 pm- The Bills are driving because Marshawn Lynch has 48 yards on 6 carries this drive (which has been all runs). Losman then audibles to a pass play and gets sacked for a loss of seven.
1:52 pm- With the Bills in the red zone and threatening to score Losman throws a terrible pass that is easily intercepted by Dre Bly who takes it 89 yards the other way for 6. Even JP thinks he should've warmed up before this game.
3:30 pm- The Broncos are up 31-3 with minutes remaining in the fourth. JP's numbers are 11-25, 86 yards, and 3 int (two of which for touchdowns).
3:38 pm- JP completes a pass to Peerless Price for 14 yards. Ecstatic that he has surpassed the century mark, JP again falls to his knees and points to the heavens.
3:46 pm- Losman throws a touchdown pass (screen pass to Lynch who made a lot of nifty moves on his way to the end zone). JP walks over to the Broncos sideline and yells "CUTLER!!! SUCK MY BALLS!!!'
3:51 pm- Broncos kneel down and the final score is 31-10. JP doesn't care as he believes he is one step closer to breaking touchdown records.
4:32 pm- Locker room is in a somber mood except for Losman, who makes fun of Moorman for wearing a bathing suit in the shower
4:51 pm- Reporters swamp Losman's locker who decides to answer questions in the nude.
4:55 pm- During questions, he slips a female reporter a note that simply says "Wanna?"
5:03 pm- Reporter asks if there was miscommunication between Evans and him in that first quarter interception. Losman doesn't answer, merely starts to masturbate in front of everybody.
5:04 pm- All reporters leave after which would later be called "The JP Scence."
5:09 pm- Calls Donte Whitner and Ko Simpson "fags."
5:22 pm- Tea bags Anthony Thomas who is getting taped up at the trainer
5:45 pm- Losman drives his Mazda Miata back to his house while smoking "A fat ass L"
6:03 pm- Takes a shower in which he shaves his pubes into a number seven
6:29 pm- Tunes into the Bears-Chargers game as LT takes it 47 yards to the house. Losman fist pumps as his first round fantasy pick is paying off. (Losman made fun of his buddy who drafted him)
6:49 pm- Orders a pizza, and also tells pizza place to pick up a thirty of Blue Light and a bottle of Morgan. He says he will pay handsomely
7:27 pm- Pizza man arrives with all of "the goods." Losman opens door and take "the goods." Pizza man asks for money and J-to-the-P laughs and says "Do you know who I am?" Then he shuts the door still laughing at the man.
7:31 pm- Drinks a beer and eats a slice of pizza before saving it for leftovers.
7:39 pm- Smokes another bowl, and passes out.
8:26 pm- Wakes up. Kills it.
8:49 pm- The Los-Man is ready to go out. He brings his bottle of Morgan to the car and steadily begins to drink it as he drives.
9:15 pm- Losman picks up a hooker and gives it to her on main street in front of everybody watching (without protection).
9:21 pm- Gives hooker the donkey punch and takes his money back.
10:49 pm- After driving and drinking for almost an hour and a half Losman decides to go clubbin'.
10:57 pm- Reaches into glove compartment and grabs his "clubbin' shirt"
11:15 pm- Club bouncer originally doesn't let The Losinator in until a fellow bouncer lets him know that he's the Bills starting quarterback. (This actually happened in real life....)
11:31 pm- Has used the pick up line "Do you know who I am?" seventeen times and is yet to recieve a positive response
11:49 pm- Sits at the bar and finishes Tequilla shots number twelve and thirteen.
11:56 pm- Passes out...
7:49 am- Wakes up next to three hundred pound Mexican Mamacita. Looks at her in disgust then decides she could start at left guard for Buffalo.
7:55 am- Smokes a bowl and then decides he is going to skip practice for the day.
This is a simulation of a day for Jonathon Paul Losman. For fun, we'll fast forward a few weeks to the season opener....
8:49 am- Wakes up in his king sized water bed completely naked aside from a pair of rainbow socks
8:55 am- Smokes a bowl
9:02 am- Goes to his neighbors house and has sex with his eighteen year old daughter, very loudly
9:14 am- Smokes a bong
9:18 am- Puts on Sunday NFL countdown and watches (still high) all the analysts pick Buffalo to lose their season opener
9:22 am- All the guys on CBS countdown predict the same thing
9:29 am- Of all the pregame shows, only Terry Bradshaw predicts the Bills to upset the Broncos
9:39 am- Starts his trip to the Ralph with a stop to his dealer along the way
10:02 am- After smoking a twenty bag (by himself) and downing three sausage MacMuffins, he arrives at the Ralph
10:23 am- Man at locker room door yelling at J-to-the-P about being an hour late. Because Losman is so stoned he doesn't even realize this little man is Dick Jauron
10:34 am- Asks Lee Evans if he wants to smoke. Evans is stunned. Gametime in less than three hours.
10:41 am- Takes a pregame shower (only guy in there) to show off his sub-par sized, but well tamed package
10:53 am- Tells Moorman and Lindell he has a secret to tell them. As they approach, JP smashes their heads together and spits at them as they fall to the floor.
11:04 am- Chest bumps Marshawn Lynch
11:13 am- Leaves locker room to toke up for fourth time today
11:25 am- Craig Knoll sees Losman smoking. JP announces, "You wanna start bro?" Knoll begins to smile, and then JP says, "Then start smoking..." and he throws his burnt joint at Knoll's face. Craiggy goes to tears. Losman is happy for first time today.
11:38 am- Losman enters woman's room in stadium to take a shit because the ladies' rooms are cleaner
11:51 am- Despite the fact that JP is supposed to be at a meeting, he finds himself entering the Jills' locker room and ends up having a three some with two ebony chicks and a hot blonde
12:32 pm- Losman finally returns to locker room and gives Jauron the finger as he starts to yell at him.
12:53 pm- Arrives on field with seven minutes until kick-off. Didn't watch film, or even warm-up.
12:57 pm- Walks onto the middle of the field for coin toss. Sticks his hands down his pants, and then shakes everybody's hands
12:58 pm- Bills win the toss but to everybody's surprise JP interupted Donte Whitner and announced they didn't want the ball. Without saying another word or shaking anyone elses hands, JP trots to the bench and grabs some gatorade.
1:07 pm- Jay Cutler completes a twenty-five yard pass to Javon Walker who runs out of bounds near JP. Losman yells "Hey Walker. Nice Calves." Walker is stunned.
1:14 pm- Broncos drive ends in field goal. Losman is still far from ready to play.
1:23 pm- McGee returns kick to the thirty-one. Losman walks lazily onto the field with both hands elbow deep in his jock
1:24 PM- Audibles first play to a run so he doesn't have to throw. Lynch is stopped in the backfield for a big loss.
1:27 pm- Completes first pass on third and 13 to Lee Evans over the middle. Losman drops to knees and starts to point to the sky in triumph.
1:28 pm- Losman feeling great from the first down last play is feeling lucky. He thinks Evans is is running a go route. Evans is running a curl route. Losman hurls the ball into no-mans land and Nick "Papa" Ferguson easily picks it off.
1:29 pm- Losman pulls his grundle at Jauron who looks at his young quarterback in disbelief.
1:37 pm- Broncos end drive with sixteen yard touchdown pass to Rod Smith. Anthony Thomas tells Losman that Cutler is way better than him. Losman responds with "I still make thirty more million than you do, so hop off my shit." Then when the A-Train isn't looking, JP flips him the bird
1:46 pm- The Bills are driving because Marshawn Lynch has 48 yards on 6 carries this drive (which has been all runs). Losman then audibles to a pass play and gets sacked for a loss of seven.
1:52 pm- With the Bills in the red zone and threatening to score Losman throws a terrible pass that is easily intercepted by Dre Bly who takes it 89 yards the other way for 6. Even JP thinks he should've warmed up before this game.
3:30 pm- The Broncos are up 31-3 with minutes remaining in the fourth. JP's numbers are 11-25, 86 yards, and 3 int (two of which for touchdowns).
3:38 pm- JP completes a pass to Peerless Price for 14 yards. Ecstatic that he has surpassed the century mark, JP again falls to his knees and points to the heavens.
3:46 pm- Losman throws a touchdown pass (screen pass to Lynch who made a lot of nifty moves on his way to the end zone). JP walks over to the Broncos sideline and yells "CUTLER!!! SUCK MY BALLS!!!'
3:51 pm- Broncos kneel down and the final score is 31-10. JP doesn't care as he believes he is one step closer to breaking touchdown records.
4:32 pm- Locker room is in a somber mood except for Losman, who makes fun of Moorman for wearing a bathing suit in the shower
4:51 pm- Reporters swamp Losman's locker who decides to answer questions in the nude.
4:55 pm- During questions, he slips a female reporter a note that simply says "Wanna?"
5:03 pm- Reporter asks if there was miscommunication between Evans and him in that first quarter interception. Losman doesn't answer, merely starts to masturbate in front of everybody.
5:04 pm- All reporters leave after which would later be called "The JP Scence."
5:09 pm- Calls Donte Whitner and Ko Simpson "fags."
5:22 pm- Tea bags Anthony Thomas who is getting taped up at the trainer
5:45 pm- Losman drives his Mazda Miata back to his house while smoking "A fat ass L"
6:03 pm- Takes a shower in which he shaves his pubes into a number seven
6:29 pm- Tunes into the Bears-Chargers game as LT takes it 47 yards to the house. Losman fist pumps as his first round fantasy pick is paying off. (Losman made fun of his buddy who drafted him)
6:49 pm- Orders a pizza, and also tells pizza place to pick up a thirty of Blue Light and a bottle of Morgan. He says he will pay handsomely
7:27 pm- Pizza man arrives with all of "the goods." Losman opens door and take "the goods." Pizza man asks for money and J-to-the-P laughs and says "Do you know who I am?" Then he shuts the door still laughing at the man.
7:31 pm- Drinks a beer and eats a slice of pizza before saving it for leftovers.
7:39 pm- Smokes another bowl, and passes out.
8:26 pm- Wakes up. Kills it.
8:49 pm- The Los-Man is ready to go out. He brings his bottle of Morgan to the car and steadily begins to drink it as he drives.
9:15 pm- Losman picks up a hooker and gives it to her on main street in front of everybody watching (without protection).
9:21 pm- Gives hooker the donkey punch and takes his money back.
10:49 pm- After driving and drinking for almost an hour and a half Losman decides to go clubbin'.
10:57 pm- Reaches into glove compartment and grabs his "clubbin' shirt"
11:15 pm- Club bouncer originally doesn't let The Losinator in until a fellow bouncer lets him know that he's the Bills starting quarterback. (This actually happened in real life....)
11:31 pm- Has used the pick up line "Do you know who I am?" seventeen times and is yet to recieve a positive response
11:49 pm- Sits at the bar and finishes Tequilla shots number twelve and thirteen.
11:56 pm- Passes out...
7:49 am- Wakes up next to three hundred pound Mexican Mamacita. Looks at her in disgust then decides she could start at left guard for Buffalo.
7:55 am- Smokes a bowl and then decides he is going to skip practice for the day.
1 comment:
Excellent stuff....But for the record it's Craig Nall. I really do hate to be a stickler.
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