NFL Preview Panda Madness

This is how this season is going to go down. What I say in this column unlike others, is indeed final. Everything I say will happen no questions asked. So local Bills fans don't get mad at me, get mad at the front office for having three great back-up quarterbacks.

AFC East

1-New England Patriots
Big surprise here right? The Pats are always losing people and still always winning. In my opinion they have the best quarterback in the league (tossup with with Manning). If Deion Branch holdsout their offense will suffer, but not enough for the Dolphins to catch them. They're to used to winning, and with Brady undercenter, they will always be in games. If he retired today he would be a first team hall of famer. Unfortunately the Pats play the Broncos week 3, and have lose to them the past four meetings. With their schedule they should win the division and finish 12-4.

2-Miami Dolphins
At this point a year ago, I would have told you Miami was one of the top five worst teams in the league. They overachieved last year with a two running back, no quarterback system. With a healthy Daunte Caulpepper and a number one running back in Ronnie Brown the Dolphins are going to be tough and are looking to take the division from the Patriots for the first time since 2002. Unfortunately the Dolphins have a very tough schedule and looks like they will go, at best, 10-6.

3-Buffalo Bills
Lucky for the Bills, they get to play the Jets twice this year, who are so bad they make the Bills look like contenders. The Bills have three subpar quarterbacks, a solid defense, and one of the worst offensive lines in the NFL. McGahee is great, but even the best can't run without a line. My dad says they have 8-8 written all over them, but I'm thinking more like 4-12.

4-New York Jets
At best they are the third worst team in the league. Their hopes are for another terrible season so they can draft a young man named Brady from South Bend next year. Jets fans, you might want to switch over to the Giants for a year or two, because besides Jonathon Vilma, this team has nothing at all. Being nice, 3-13

AFC North

1-Pittsburgh Steelers
As much as I hate them, they got some talent. With a relatively quiet offseason they are the team to beat this year. Palmer is a big question mark with the Bengals, but even when he is healthy this team is number one. Big Ben is back from that horrific accident and he is going to continue to manage games and throw TD's. He will break John Elway's wins record eventually. And this year will help when they go 11-5.

2-Cincinatti Bengals
They won the division last year with stellar defense and a balanced offense. Rudi Johnson ran the ball well and Carson Palmer and Chad Johnson proved to be one of the best Quarterback/Reciever duo's in the entire league. Things were finally looking up for the Bengals of old, but then it hit the fan. In natural Bungal fashion their star quarterback tore cartilidge in his knee during the first drive of their first playoff game since 1990. Supposedly he's ok and should be ready by the season opener. That's debatable, and we'll find out. With Palmer the Bengals are amongst the best teams in the league, without him not so much. 9-7

3-Baltimore Ravens
Not too much to say about this team. They can talk all they want, but they aren't very good, and won't be for a few years. They need a quarterback, running back, or a reciever. Todd Heap and Ray Lewis or solid, and Ed Reed might be the best defensive player in the NFL, but even he can't save this team from mediocrity. 6-10

4-Cleveland Browns
This team is a joke. Even Kellen Winslow healthy can't help this awful mess of a franchise. Brady Quinn is hoping that they have one more win than the Jets or Niners so he doesn't have to come here. Can't blame them. The only thing the Browns have contributed to society is help produce a funny line. "The Cleveland Browns are going to the super bowl." The quote is of coure not literal because they are shitty, much like the real meaning of the quote. 2-14

AFC South

1-Indianapolis Colts
The Colts will look to have another 14-2 season like their one last year, but they hope to find some more success in the postseason. They lost Edge, but make no mistake about it, this offense will not struggle because of it. It is also weird that their most important offseason acquisition is probably their kicker, Adam Vinatieri. The most clutch kicker in the NFL's history would have greatly helped them last year against the Steelers. Their defense looks tough and fast, led by Syracuse alum Dwight Freeney. This team should be successful, like they always are....12-4

2-Jacksonville Jaguars
The Jags won the AFC wild card last season and got unlucky because they had to face Tom Brady and the Pats in Gillette stadium. Byron Leftwich broke his ankle last year and miss the latter stages of the season, then came back to start the playoff game after Gerrard got the Jags in the postseason. Their defense is always tough, but Fred Taylor's annual knee injury is going to hurt them. Leftwich and former QB now WR Matt Jones will prove to be a phenomenal duo this year as Jones will become one of the leagues premier wide recievers. 10-6

3-Houston Texas
They don't deserve to be ahead of the Titans after drafting Mario Williams, but coach Gary Kubiak used to be the O-coordinator of the Broncos, so you could consider me a fan of his. I wish him success, but I don't think he's going to find a whole lot of it down there in Texas. They just better hope the Broncos cut-blocking system works as well for Dominic Davis as it has for all the Broncos running backs. 5-11

4-Tennessee Titans
They lost their guy McNair who was supposed to show first round draft pick, Vince Young, the ropes. Well he's gone, and all they have to mentor Young is Billy Volek. This team doesn't have a whole lot offensively, unless Vince Young is as successful in the pros as he was with Texas. If he is, then they should be OK. His performace against USC in the Rose Bowl is probably the best individual performance in a football game I have ever seen. But he won't do that in the NFL, at least not this year. 4-12

AFC West

1-Denver Broncos
Yes they are my favorite team, but they are still the team to beat out west. If Javon Walker is as successful as he was two years ago they will be without a doubt a super bowl contender. The first team to ever beat Brady and the Pats in the playoffs. Jay Cutler was the best QB in the draft, and they somehow ended up with him. They have the best linebacking core in the entire league. John Lynch is one of the hardest hitting players in NFL history, and emotional leader as well. Anybody could rush for a 1000 yards in a Broncos uniform. Champ Bailey is the best defensive back in the league. Mike Shanahan is probably the third best coach in the NFL. I could write an entire post about how awesome they are but I'll stop here. 16-0. I wish, they have a really hard schedule that features the Chargers and Chiefs twice each, stops in New England, Cincinatti, and Pittsburgh, and a game against Indianapolis. 13-3

2-Kansas City Chiefs
The Chiefs were always known for explosive offense, shitty defense. Vermiel is out, and Herman Edwards is in. Edwards is a disciplined defensive coach who was put into a bad sitiation in New York. I think he's going to find immediate success out west. He signed Ty Law to play opposite Patrick Surtain, and Derrick Johnson is ready to become a force to be reckoned with in the NFL. They have one of the best kick-off return guys in NFL history in Dante Hall. And they have a Nittany Lion alum, Larry Johnson. Larry Johnson is a bad motherhucka. I either think he'll rush for 2500 yards this season or die trying. The only negative things this offseason for the Chiefs were the loss of Dick Vermiel. An offensive specialist, an emotional leader, and Trent Green's best friend. The other is the retirement of the best run-blocker in football, Willie Roaf. He retired last week, and we'll have to wait and see how LJ is going to do without him. 11-5

3-San Diego Chargers
"Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego. Which of course in German translates to, a Whales Vagina." But seriously, this team has the best player in football. Ladanian Tomlinson is going to have to have the best year of his career. Pretty much a rookie quarterback, Phillip Rivers, is a big question mark, so LT is going to carry the load. Which worries me as a Broncos fan. Phillip Rivers 11-27, 118 yds, 1TD, and 2 INT isn't as bad when you see LT's 29 car, 271 yds, 8 cts, 86 yds, 5 TDs. He's capable of such things. Oh yeah, Antonio Gates isn't bad either. I put them third in this division because with LT having the ball so much he might get hurt. Assuming he does, they won't win a game. With him, they are still third in this division because they aren't as good as the Chiefs or Broncos on defense. 9-7

4-Oakland Raiders
I love having Oakland in this division. Dan's favorite team, and the undisputed worst team in this division. The Broncos get to smack the shit out of them twice every year and I get to tell Dan about it. Phenomenal stuff. This team sucks, Aaron Brooks is a joke. I couldn't name 4 defensive players for them, and Randy Moss cares about smoothies than touchdowns. I think sometimes Al Davis is going to coach them, then they could become the NFL equivelant to the New York Knicks. This team is awful. 3-13


Now since we're halfway through with this monstrocity of an update here is the highlights from the greatest game ever



Makes me so happy. Whenever I'm down in the dumps I throw that on and a smile comes across my face. Yay capitalism

Now to the NFC

NFC East

1-New York Giants
I have heard way too much about the Coybows this offseason to really think they're contenders. I'll talk about them in a minute, but the Giants look good. Very good. Eli is coming into his third season and I think he has 4000 yards and 30 touchdowns written all over him. This is the year when he takes the next step and becomes and elite quarterback. His supporting cast makes the Giants one of the most explosive offensive teams in the league. Burress, Toomer, Barber, Shockey, and the signing of Lavar Aarington makes the Giants the team to beat in the east. 13-3

2-Dallas Cowboys
This team has more potential than the Redskins, but not enough talent to top the Giants. Terrell Owens, when on the field is the best reciever in football. The numbers he puts up are untouched by anybody in the league. He has distanced himself from Moss, Harrisson, and Chad Johsnon. His problems off the field make him a question mark. If Bledsoe misses him when he is open he will most likely explode. It's not a matter of if, but when. When a solid quarterback like McNabb misses open guys, wait untill ol' Drew missess him. Bledsoe has a big arm, no mobility, and subpar accuracy. Don't expect him to woo anyone. What Cowboy fans should expect is a great season from Julius Jones, and free safety Roy Williams. These two players are the keys to success, not T.O. and Bledsoe. 10-6

3-Washington Redskins
The 'Skins have one of the league's premier backs in Clinton Portis. He put on 25 lbs of muscle this offseason so he can carry the load better. He's poised for a 1600-1700 yard season. On the other side of the ball, they lost Lavar Aarington, but they have one of the best playmaking safety's in football. Sean Taylor, like Portis and a buch of other NFL superstars hails from the U. He is explosive, tough, can tackle, and catch. The issues for him are off the field because he has been arrested four times in the last three years. If he stays out of trouble he will be taking home the NFL's defensive player of the year award. Unfortunately that isn't enought to get them above the 'Boys in Dallas for the wildcard. 9-7

4-Philadelphia Eagles
Philly is no longer the dominant force in the NFC like they once were. They don't have much on defense or offense. Coach Andy Reid is a good coach, but he doesn't have the personel like he used to. This team is in dissaray and can only hope McNabb will prevent them from being the laughing stock of the NFL. Poor Philadelphia, the Eagles, Flyers, 76ers, and Phillies. That's rough. It also doesn't help that they are in the toughest division in football. But the Eagles are the team from the new movie, InVincinble, so I don't know what that does. Yeah they suck. 4-12

NFC North

1-Chicago Bears
This division is awful. It isn't even funny anymore how bad it is. The Bears are fortunate because in this division they have six automatic wins. They are a decent team, but won't do much in the postseason without some offense. Hopefully the offense will change for Bears fans. Cedric Benson is ready to take over the starting job. He's big enough to carry the load for a team that will probably run 70% of the time. Their defense is great, one of the leagues best. Quarterback Rex Grossman has one of the strongest arms in the league. Not so accurate, and not so smart, but he can throw it a mile. Lovie Smith is a great coach and they will win this porter potty of a division easily. 11-5

2-Green Bay Packers
Just because they're number two in this division doesn't mean they're good, they're far from it. I just think with a healthy Ahman Green they might be good for a few close wins. Favre will lead the league in interceptions because he is almost as smug as George Clooney. Just because you're a hall of famer, it doesn't give you the right to throw the ball as far as you can and hope your guy comes down with it. He's pathetic and I hope Aaron Rodgers starts by week 9. They got the best player in the draft when they got AJ Hawk. He is a faster Zack Thomas, or more accurately he's a white Takeo Spikes. 5-11

3-Detriot Lions
Not a very good team, they haven't been one for a very long time. Kevin Jones is solid, but hes not dynamic. If I am a Lions fan I am hoping for a 1-15 season so they can go ahead and get Brady Quinn so they actually have a quarterback to throw to their young recieving core. Roy Williams is great, but he can't throw to themselves. Unfortunately they're not as bad as Minnesota so they aren't as bad as they want to be. 4-12

4-Minnesota Vikings
I feel bad for them. In just two seasons they lost their two best players in Moss and Caulpepper. This team will be lucky to win a game this year. They are awful. I can't express how terrible they are. I don't want to waste energy to write about how shitty they are. 2-14

NFC South

1-Carolina Panthers
The Panthers are poised to make a run for the super bowl. Deshaun Foster is an underrated back who doesn't get enough credit. Jake Delhomme is one of the most accurate quarterbacks in the league, and Steve Smith is a phenomenal reciever who now has Keyshawn Johnson to line up opposite him. Their defense is always tough led by the best defensive end in the NFL Julius Peppers. They are a contender in the NFC and even with a touch schedule, these cats of Carolina are ready to for the next step. 12-4

2-Atlanta Falcons
This is a toss-up with the Bucs. I like the Falcons better because they have a young, fast defense led by Keith Brooking, Patrick Kearney, and Deangelo Hall. Michael Vick is coming into his third year with the west coast offense and Warrick Dunn is an underrated back who always produces. Alge Crumpler is great tight end who will put up great numbers with Vick this season. Vick is one of my favorite athletes, and I hope he has a great year because the last four seasons, my super bowl pick as been Broncos vs Falcons, and it is yet to happen. Maybe this year, but probably not. 10-6

3-Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Chris Simms is taking over the starting job and Coach Gruden has a lot of confidence in him. Gruden is a great coach, and will out-coach most of his opponents. Carnell "Cadillac" Williams will need to have a big year again this year for the Bucs to be successful. Simeon Rice and company will keep the Bucs one of the most aggressive defenses in the league. Due to head-to-head matches the Bucs fall behind the Falcons. 9-7

4-New Orleans Saints
Reggie Bush is dynamic. One of the best college football players of all time. But even he can't save this season from destruction. In a tough division, and a tough city to play in, they are going to struggle all season. They don't have enough talent on either side of the ball to contend with just about anybody, and Drew Brees will most likely struggle after shoulder surgery. He had the same surgery as Chad Pennington had and look how that turned out. Poor New Orleans, things aren't getting better any time soon. if they get lucky, 2-14

NFC West

1-Arizona Cardinals
I hate the Seahawks too much to write that they are going to win, even if I know they are. Fitzgerald, Boldin, and Edge will help the Cards. Leinhart will be starting over Warner next year, but this is Warner's season. Kind of a one year deal kind of thing. Leonard Davis is one of the best offensive lineman in the entire NFL. Unfortunately I can't even name three of their defensive players, and I know a shit load about football. That is not good. After writing this entire post I am kind of giving up. I'm not writing about what I think is going to happen, but I want to happen. Stinky's favorite team is the Cardinals, so go big red! 11-5

2-Seattle Seahawks
They're stupid. The Seahawks is a stupid name. Holmgren has a stupid face. Alexander has a stupid gap, and his daughter has a stupid name. Seattle is a stupid city. Unfortunately for me, Holmgren is a great coach, the Seahawks are the defending NFC champs, Alexander is the defending MVP, and Seattle started Starbucks. I still don't like them. Go cardinals! 10-6

3-St. Louis Rams
Stephen Jackson is an animal, and Adam Arculeta is the best white defensive back in the NFL. Torry Holt will have a 1000 yards, Bulger will have 3500 yards, and their offense will be good. Unfortunately their team won't be. 5-11

4-San Francisco 49ers
This is the year that Alex Smith will either come through, or continue to suck ass. Probably the latter, but they have a great tight end, and that's about it. They're not good. They haven't been good for a long time, and it will probably be a while until they're good again. Which sucks because I like Coach Mike Nolan. He wanted to wear a suit and tie on the sideline, but the No Fun League(NFL haha) said no. But even a sweet lookin' giddup wouldn't save this sorry excuse of a franchise. 1-15

So here's how the playoffs should look...
AFC NCF

1)Denver Broncos 13-3 1)New York Giants 13-3
2)Indianapolis Colts 12-4 2)Carolina Panthers 12-4
3)New England Patriots 12-4 3)Chicago Bears 11-5
4)Pittsburgh Steelers 11-5 4)Arizona Cardinals 11-5
5)Kansas City Chiefs 11-5 5)Atlanta Falcons 10-6
6)Miami Dolphins 10-6 6)Dallas Cowboys 10-6

From there this is how it's going to go down...

Wildcard Playoffs
Patriots defeat Dolphins
Chiefs defeat Steelers
Cowboys defeat Bears
Falcons defeat Cardinals

Divisional Playoffs
Broncos defeat Chiefs
Patriots defeat Colts
Cowboys defeat Giants
Panthers defeat Falcons

Conference Finals
Broncos defeat New England
Panthers defeat Cowboys

Super Bowl
Broncos defeat Carolina

I know everyone is thinking, well he just likes the Broncos. I do, but they have one of the top five defenses in the league, one of the best offensive lines in the NFL, a great running system, a mobile quarterback who has gotten better every year, one of the three best coaches in the NFL, a great possession receiver in Rod Smith, and two deep threats in Javon Walker and Ashley Lelie, a great homefield advantage(They lost one game at home last year, including playoffs), and a tradition of winning. Year in and year out the Broncos are always there. A few lucky breaks and they could have won it last year, not the Steelers. The Panthers, despite the MGM odds, are the best team in the NFC, not the Cowboys. This is how the season will go. After the season I will write another update about how wrong I was, but until then this is it.